Welcome to another episoooode of [whizzing sound] [intro music] It’s like a fancy spa day here in Long Island,
N-N-New York. Live from live from New York. Is this is how Jimmy Fallon feels?
“Live from Long Island.” The people are very friendly here at Selmer’s I was accompanied by my friends Kristi-Lynn and Carla and they were able to make a bitch look pristine. Then there are a blow-dryer vacuum thing.
Was not…it was not… is not a vacuum. That’s the rever… that’s the opposite of a blow driver. I’m not even
I’m not even starting at a good place right now. I’m starting in the middle.
They don’t just start with the blow-dryer That’s that’s absurd That would be like if you went to a, to a car wash
and and and then they dry your car first You’d be like what the fu.. You’re just you’re just- the dirt
is get in the car further now. What are you doing? They get your dog naked which to me that is.. should be.. that is a lot of trust
that you have to have like hello groomers Here is my, here is my naked child.
I’m gonna go run some.. run some errands They threw her into a huge tub it’s easily the same tub that serial killers own for sure
you know when people take ice baths because they’re Psychopaths or athletes
you know those people paid and Peyton Manning owns that [laughs] And that’s the creepiest
Papa John’s commercial I’ve ever seen They vary based on the different breeds that they do work with, like they have different price points if you’re a vizsla, that’s a short-haired coat and that is
less less money because some of these dog groomers They get covered and doused in fur and kerosene They end up looking more like the dog than the dog
that leaves you because of all the hair everywhere It looks like it was like a crime scene CSI Long Island That’s crazy that you can just charge dogs
different amounts based on their breeds If you have a St.Bernard you better be loaded guy
if I walked into it at Applebee’s and they were like: listen man: Usually appetizers are $10, but you’re a
you’re a you’re a pasty ass cracker, so it’s 25 Then they start with the bath, then they they
gave her some blue blueberr blueberr blueberr blue umm.. Yeah Fu.. (bleep) it man they just put soap in her eyes. [woman] Blueberry facial. Yeah, it’s also, it’s really
gentle and it’s good, too if you have a long haired dog. [Drew] It seems weird all of a sudden when you’re not
the one bathing your your-your-your dog anymore like you’re just watching someone else
bathe your kid once she ended up shush shush She’s shaking out her water
all over my very very expensive Camera because she cos she because she couldn’t give
a shit about my career hers is hers is going great. Then I watched them put her on this little
this little table here, where they noose her. I was like are you guys about to
sacrifice my dog right in front of me? What with your ceremonial nail clippers like it’s
S&M for dogs, but instead of like it being like with from [woman’s voice onoverhead P.A.] God damn it, Shannon. I’m gonna take that call
give me one. Give me one sec [woman laughing] This is a history lesson at this point.
This is a this is a this is a land line kids! This is a phone that has a cord okay, you can only go so so so so far You’re on how.. you’re on you’re on house
arrest when you, back in the 90s. You had to talk to friends in like the kitchen and your mom
would would would over over hear you. Hello, Shannon, Shannon!
Can’t send you any nudee snaps none of that. It was all class ba..ba.. back then kids. They noose your dog, because, and they read, and they open
a scroll and they read it all the all the sins in They taped a Scarlet Letter bandaid You town slut you know No, they do this for safety
um why don’t you why don’t you lift your lift your head Do you want me to take this off or not, thank you They do that so the dog will not fall off
and then they proceeded to blow dry my..my..my dog And she hated she hated it
with all of with all of her black heart She hated it, and then they did it to me! [woman] So, you wanna see this? [Drew] Noose me. [woman] Alright! [Drew] Getting ready for what do they call it, University? God, forgot the, this is there too What did that do for..for..for my hair? That didn’t, that actually doesn’t [woman] That looks exactly the same! [whizzing noise] You see that this is a nail filer slash Drywall smoother. I think it’s important too, that the groomers were
walking me through walking me through this. You know you can’t like turn this on without
saying anything you think you have to You have to be like: “This is a… this is a…
this is a nail trimmer. We’re gonna trim her nails!” [whizzing noise] You can’t be like: “and now for my favorite part…” [whizzing noise] My dog she [man’s voice on overhead P.A.] God damn it Adam. They give her perfume, they gave me perfume!
I am so ready to go find my girlf… What what? Kristi-Lynn are you are you listening
to my vlog right now? [woman] No, never! Everybody’s made the shit list Kristi, Shannon and Adam,
you’re all..you’re all.. It’s all done. You’re all over. Okay, so I guess I’m getting
word from the producers that I have to put in something
else: “We also clean her ears!” -Okay. Moving on, so glad we went back for..for.. for that. They cleaned her teeth
with a little um little rubber thimble. They like a little rubber monop..monop..
monopoly piece that nobody wanted. They’re like: “Is it a trashcan?”
everybody like: “No, it’s a thimble.” What’s up girl. Let’s floss you.
Here’s park..here’s Park Place. Oh, yeah, lift her tongue.
Let’s get under the boardwalk I was, see I could have said
under the tongue there But I said under the boardwalk because it because it’s a
song and also boardwalk is also one of the most prized properties in the in the ga..in the game
monop..monop..monopoly Do you guys get my comedy? So then Kristi and Carla went even above
and beyond above and beyond They went above and beyond, beyond. They got Stella a bunch of little gifts. We have a pizza [squeak] There’s avocado [squeak] Which, I mean this toy probably cost two..two..
two dollars more oh because they do that in like okay here we go mailbox Mmm Yummy, that must have cost
a fortune in stamps to ship that I was so curious as it what they..what they..what they
do here to give Stella this little..give her this Little spa day, and I think she very much, um, eeded it. We were in Puerto Rico recently,
and she still smells like Island-sand, and I was very glad to be here while Kristi and Carla took..took..took good care..good..good.. they took good care.
[Stella whining] Would you stop stop, dude? Why are you bitching? You had, you can’t be..
There’s no way, you had the whole spa day where they put blue blueberries on your face. You take her out you give her
you give her the massage and spa day she’s always wanted and then you trim her nails with a weed whacker and You give her some cookies and a piece of pizza that
squeaks and then she bitches, and my right guys? Fellas? Back me..back me..back me up on this guys. Whatever, the point of this v.. the point of this vlog is We moved forward in technology so landlines do not
need to happen and anymore. Yep. I set up a whole fa..fa.. I set up a whole fake spa day, so I could see the last living landline. That’s that’s been our show everybody. Thanks so much for watching and
for bathing while you watched it. Yeah, I don’t know, who knows, sometimes sometimes these are tutorials more than anything. And make sure you guys subscribe to our YouTube channel below, also check out my tour schedule. I’m probably coming to a pet store near you,. If you guys want to support our
channel even further and you want to see more content like that
behind the scenes, bloopers, You want specialized birthday shout out videos and stuff
you can check out our pa.. patreon account up here. And if you like snapchat feel free to follow me there
where you can see crazy characters like this one: I got a pull-up bar. I mean in my green room! What is it where’s the chips? Alright guys I’m that’s it, that’s that’s
that’s all right we love we love we love you guys We’ll see ya… [whizzing sound] [whistling outro]