The Mayor’s Aide – Chicago Pest Control


-Good morning Mr. Ellerby, what can I do for you today?
-Yeah, I wanted to see the mayor.
-Okay, the mayor is not in office today but I can help you with any problem you have. -Okay. fine. you win. you win.
-Just tell me.
-All right. Look. I have a power line right outside my bedroom window.
-Oh, it’s not down or sparking…?
-No, no, no, no, it’s fine. What it is — is Grand Central Station for squirrels. -So it’s not a safety issue. -It’s a health issue, alright? I can’t sleep! Those squirrels sit outside of my bedroom
window every morning and they start chirping. That squirrel chirp sound? That uh… tk tk tk tk tk?
-I can’t say I’ve ever heard that.
-Yeah, and then there’s that [knocking sound] -Is that a wood pecker?
-No, that’s squirrels, too.
-Oh, I thought they chirped.
-They do! And then they slap their tails when there’s danger.
-I think that’s beavers.
-Look. I want the mayor to come down and get rid of these squirrels.
-Okay, I will report the matter to Animal Control, and — -No.see, I already called them, and they didn’t do anything. I talked alderman — nothing.I even called 1-3-1-1 and they didn’t even answer.
-You called 3-1-1. -I called 1-3-1-1 and it’s just some weird buzzing noise. -It’s just 3-1-1, you don’t dial 1 first.
-No, you always dial 1 first. Alright. Look — I want the mayor to handle this. They keep waking me up.
-So it’s a problem in the morning. -I guess sometimes it starts as early as 8:30, 9:00. -That actually seems like a reasonable hour.
-Plus, now I’ve got this guy behind the sun who keeps yelling at me.
-Okay, so that’s something different entirely. You’re hallucinating. -Yeah, I know, I told him that, and he just flat out denies it. He’s a dick! -Okay, I wanna help you Mr. Ellerby, but squirrels are just a part of city living. -Ha ha. I get it. I get what’s going on here.
-What’s going on here? -Some sort of squirrel lobby, huh? They in here? In the walls, listening right now, cracking nuts and pulling strings? They listening to us right now?! Huh? Your squirrel friends?
-Have you closed your window?
-I don’t want to close my window. I like listening to the birds.
-So the birds aren’t an issue.
-What are you insinuating? -I will make sure Animal Control comes over and checks it out for you.
-All I’m saying is, the guy behind the sun doesn’t have any squirrel issues.
-Okay, uh, here… Put these on that when the squirrels
get noisy. -I’ll try it. Thank you.
-You’re welcome. -You know, Mr. Morrisey was all wrong about you.
-Mr. Morrisey?
-Yeah, that’s the guy behind the sun. -Right. -Okay, who is next?
Uh oh. -Right? like, don’t come into my neighborhood and tell me I need a stroller.
-I know, I’m not done with all my drinking yet!
[Laughter]
-I’m not really a drinker.
-I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to…

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