(mariachi music) – Hi.
– Hello. – [Exterminator] Exterminator. – Excuse me? – I’m pest control. Your super should’ve told
you I was coming around. – Oh, right. – May I? It’s heavy. – Of course, come in. – Do you–? – I’m good, I’m good. I’ll take care of that next. – [Woman] Oh, it’s just my sister’s. She’s only here for a day. – [Exterminator] I know,
you’re moving in, huh? – [Woman] No. – [Exterminator] Moving out? – [Woman] No. – [Exterminator] Watch your baby bump. (vacuum humming) – Backyard here (vacuum
drowns out speaker). – (vacuum drowns out speaker)
Play a little putt-putt or something if you– – Hi. – Malouicious.
– Hi. – Lou, for short. This is Bert. – Hey, Albert, actually. – You’re all friends of Fernand’s? – Nando. The Nan-man. – I don’t know him. Well, you’ve been around him, but yeah. Yeah, he’s one on Mondays, so I’m just looking after the place, so I’ll be around. – Oh, well, I’m actually
having a barbecue on Friday, if you want to come. – [Tim] I’d like that. – He’s got Hep-C, so you might want to keep him away, might wanna bring exterminator out. Spray some of that in his mouth. – I don’t think it’ll help that. Hi. – [Bert] How’re you doing? – Good, how are you guys? I’m all done, so I think if you could just sign, maybe a little John Hancock right there. – Actually, the ink’s dry. – That’s my only one. – I’ve got one inside. – Oh, okay. Say, are you familiar with
the teachings of Christ? – [Tim] Friday. – [Bert] That guy is going to kill her. – You asshole. – What? It’s annoying when somebody, you say your name, I say my name, she doesn’t say her name back.
– She’s hot, man. Think she’s available?
– She’s 10 months pregnant. Come on. “Come on, what am I
gonna do with you, Tony?” – Don’t put your fucking hands on me, man. – What are you gonna do to me? What are you gonna do? – Don’t put your fucking hands. – You heard something? – Yeah. It sounds like it’s saying asshole. – Probably just needs
some WD-40 or something. Check this out. – That’s very inobtrusive. – It’s unobtrusive. It changes the whole fengshui of the room. The TV doesn’t have to dominate the room. I can do this in my place. – I don’t really have a TV. – Yes, you do. The one your mom gave you. – I threw that one away 10 years ago. So how long is this guy gone for anyway? – Fernand? Till Monday. – Who’s watching Dinklage? – My stupid roommate. I’d bring her over here, but there’s a strict no-pet policy. – Oh, come on. – I feel bad leaving Dinklage
with that creep, man. Hope he’s not doing things to her. – I wouldn’t be surprised. – You know, I’m just counting
months until that lease is up, maybe get a unit in a building
like this, if I’m lucky. – This is cool. This is also cool. – I used that at your place. Check this out, this is cool. It’s gotta get the Wi-Fi thing. Hang on. – Oh yeah, very cool. – No, no, that’s not, hang on, you’re gonna freak out. – [Sprite] Hello there, Lou. Good news, you haven’t finished watching Dick Butt Lands in Banana Pants. No queuing Incest House
3: Brother in Arms. – I thought this was a lesbian thing. – But you saw it was brothers. – And that’s not it. You’re gonna freak. – [Sprite] Now exiting Incest
House 3: Brother in Arms. – Hang on, here it comes. This is it. Here we go. – [Sprite] Hello there, Lou. How can I help you today? Play some music. Sure thing, Lou. – Isn’t that something? It’s all in the phone, which is the cloud. – [Bert] It’s something all right, yeah. – Like where is it even
coming from, you know? – Wherever it’s coming from, it’s coming in in a very low fidelity. It sounds bad. It sounds very thing sounding. It sounds like bad, poorly compressed– – The exchange is that you
don’t have to walk around a record player, or anything like that, you know, frees up your whole ship. – I’d rather struggle a little bit to get high fidelity, great sounding, analog sound from vinyl. – Struggle you shall. – What is this, a 65? – So what? Are you gonna crash here tonight, or what’s your deal? – Very doubtful. I’ve got a hot date for some easy sex. – [Tim] Janice? – Oh, no, she won’t speak with me. Remember that girl who was
taking photos at John’s wedding? – No. – Come on, short hair– – Funny looking? – She’s not funny looking. She had a weird eye, but it’s like one of her eyes
is like inset a little bit. – I don’t know if I really talked to her, or just kind of walked away. – It doesn’t matter. – Okay. And you’re assuming you’ll
be spending the night at her place? – Let me ask you a question. Do you remember when you couldn’t find me at the end of that night? – And you were the only one
with the key to the room? – Yeah, well, guess where I was? Come on, do the math. – Shut up. – Her car–
– Shut up. – Backseat, leather
interior, 2009 Hyundai. – Those are great. – I wouldn’t change a thing. – She get any photos of that? – No. – Cool. Hey, you went back to Salem, when? – I’ll be going back to
Salem in the morning, as soon as I get my wick waxed. Gettin’ on the road around 9:00 or 10:00, go up to five north, and probably stop at the
Chipotle in Grapevine, and just keep pushing through. – Yeah, perfect. – What about you? You got Marie coming by later, or is that against the rules too? – That’s a work-in-progress. (mariachi music) Hello. Is everything okay? – This is really embarrassing. – Would you like to come in? Yeah, well, my mom went to
Australia when I was a boy. When she came back, she wasn’t able to shut up about the food, saying, “You gotta go. “You gotta go. “You gotta go one day when you’re older.” The whole trick is just knowing which way to turn it, I guess. So let’s see if I were, there we go. (ringtone music) Bert? All right, stay there, I’ll get you. It’s not even 10:00 p.m. No go, huh? – No, she had to work in the morning, it’s a stupid twin bed. – Uh, listen, do you want a beer? – You got anything to eat? – We got soup, there’s Italian. – Soup? – The Chinese place is
supposed to be pretty good, they do like a Canadian flare. Owners, Chinese-Canadian. – I don’t see any ginger beef. – I think they’ll do
whatever you want for you. – [Bert] What are you gonna get? – No, no, I got hot date, actually. – [Bert] Oh, right, Marie. – [Tim] Nein. – Really? – [Tim] No, no. – You want me to get out of here? – No, no, stay. Be comfortable. I’ll give you the Wi-Fi. Here’s the spare keys. – [Bert] Thanks dude. – Do your thing. – Hey, you want some weed? – Ah, no, I want to stay sharp. – I’m sorry, I’m not
talking about real weed, I got this horny goat weed, it’s a natural supplement, it makes your junk work longer. I took three of them. – All right, yeah. – And I think it’ll– – Yeah, if you don’t mind. – Not a big deal. – How many you take? – I took three. – That’s not damaging in any way? – No, no. It’s totally legal. You can get it at the health foods stores, it’s not a big deal. But you will stay rock hard for days. Shit. Ah, fuck. – (mumbles) I totally forgot the olives. Yes? – I’m staying at
Fernando’s place this week. – Fernand. – Yes. Whatever, Fernanando. My buddy Lou is housing sitting for him, and I’m here down here visiting Lou. I just went out to get some Chinese food, and I forgot my keys. – Great story. – You think I’m making this up? – Well, how do we know you’re not lying? – Here, Chinese food. He’s got a painting that’s a TV. He’s in apartment two. Come on, please. – [Stacy] Fine. I hope you’re not a burglar. – [Stacy’s Friend] Or a rapist. – Do I look like a rapist to you? Hey, what the fuck? – Chewy, down. – What the fuck is the matter with you? – [Stacy] Dude, relax. – Relax? This fucking dog just almost
bit my goddamn arm off. – You are like moving your arms around– – Oh, it’s my fault!?
– You’re provoking him! – Why don’t you punish him? – Bad dog. – You know what? I happen to know that
this apartment building has a strict no-pet policy, and you are in violation of it. What is your name?
– I don’t live here, she does. – Okay, then what is your name? – Are you for real? – What is your fucking name? – Excuse me.
– Fuck you. – Get a grip. – What is your fucking name? – Go fuck yourself. – Stacy. – Stacy?
– Yeah. – Okay, Stacy. Stacy, what? – [Stacy] Look it up? – Stacy Warnoghogger? – Seriously, go fuck yourself. Idiot, ass. – Okay, you know what? I’m gonna call the apartment manager. – [Stacy] I can’t believe that. I really feel like he
might’ve been the worst person I’ve ever met. – [Stacy’s Friend] Who’s Stacy? – [Bert] Lou? Lou? – You okay? – No, I’m not okay. I’ve got nowhere to live. I don’t even know how they
fucking found out about him? – Who, him? – Obviously my dog. And I kept him so quiet. I should’ve never let him out. And look, they fucking evicted me. Fuck, what’s wrong with people, it’s just a fucking dog. – You’re still having the barbecue? Bert? Bert? What a guy.