Boomstick: Before we get started i gotta tell you about Quidd. The app where you open packs to collect stickers, tradin’ cards and Funko figures for your phone of some of your favorite brands like Marvel, DC, Game of Thrones, Rick and Morty and tons more. Collect and trade ’em in the app or send a via message. Pick up the app for free by clickin’ in the link in the description and don’t forget to add Screwattack as a friend. New stickers, cards and figures are released everyday so hit us up for trade if you get a rare one. (Cues: Invader – Jim Johnston) Boomstick: When it comes to public service, two animals have gone far beyond the call of duty. Wiz: They’re known throughout the world as the symbols of safety. So let’s make them fight to the death. Boomstick: Smokey Bear, the firefightin’ mascot of forest safety. Wiz: And McGruff the Crime Dog, taking a bite out of crime wherever he goes. Boomstick: He’s Wiz and I’m Boomstick. Wiz: And it’s our job to analyze their weapons, armor, and skills to find out who would win… A DEATH BATTLE! In 1944, America’s forests faced an ever increasing threat, with nearly 16 million men battling Nazi’s overseas, little manpower remained to combat the spread of forest fires. Every year, thirty million acres of trees would go up in smoke. Boomstick: Damn, that’s even more trees than Snoop Dogg can burn! Wiz: America needed a new hero, someone who could prevent these disastrous blazes from occurring in the first place. Boomstick: And then along came a loveable cartoon bear named Smokey. Smokey: So remember, only you can prevent forest fires. Wiz: As a mascot, Smokey Bear did what he could to inspire the American people, he even partnered with Bambi to teach the ways of fire safety. However, Smokey was still merely a dream, a figment of imagination, until one fateful day in the Capitan Mountains of New Mexico. Boomstick: What do you know, a forest fire broke out. The mountain trees were annihilated in a blaze so intense, the thirty firefighters called to action were almost incinerated. Thousands of forest critters either fled or died… all but one. Wiz: Atop a smoldering tree clung a lone survivor: a small black bear cub. His paws burnt, his family lost to the flames. Boomstick: So after firefighters rescued him, there was only one name that fit: Smokey. Wiz: Well, first they named him “Hotfoot Teddy”, but they couldn’t waste such a great PR opportunity. Boomstick: Adopted into the National Zoo at Washington DC, young Smokey became the livin’ symbol of fire prevention. They even made an animated short of his new official origin story, and it’s… pretty horrifyin’, actually. Wiz: The public adored young Smokey, he received so much fan mail, he had to get his own zip code. And since then, Smokey has successfully helped prevent forest fires and promote fire safety for over seventy years. Boomstick: And boy oh boy, has he done a good job. Smokey: Drown your campfires with water, make sure it’s totally wet, then stir it and drown it again. Wiz: Indeed, in just the first twenty years, annual forest fire damage dropped over eighty percent. Boomstick: Yeah, thanks to Smokey’s advice, I’ve never started a forest fire in my entire life. (Record scratch) Wiz: I don’t believe that. Boomstick: To my knowledge, I mean, I’ve had plenty of opportunities. Wiz: Well, I’m impressed, I didn’t think you took anybody’s advice so seriously. Boomstick: Why wouldn’t I take Smokey’s? This guy started a fire safety club, picked up ventriloquism, and even taught the Addams Family to put out fires. You know, the people who love pain and things that are generally bad for you? Wiz: He’s befriended the creatures of the forest, much like a Disney princess, and even infiltrated Disney itself to teach their characters about fire safety. Also, unlike most mascots at the time, he’s successfully protected his dignity through the toughest social experience in recent history: The 90s. Smokey: 🎶 Respect the forest! 🎶 🎶 Protect our trees! 🎶 Oh, what am I doing? Director: Cut! Smokey: This isn’t me. Director: Smoke, we agreed you’d talk to kids in their language. Smokey: I know, but I’ll just give it to them straight. Boomstick: Oh, and in case you forgot, he’s also a God damn bear. Wiz: An American Black Bear, to be precise, the largest black bears are over seven feet tall and exceed eight hundred pounds, which seems to match Smokey’s own size. Boomstick: Smokey’s got plenty to fight with, like his razor sharp claws, his trusty shovel, and enough muscle to rip your arm off Chewbacca style. And then you have to worry about fightin’ a bear that’s “armed”. Wiz: Was that a pun? It wasn’t even bear related. Boomstick: Wiz, you can’t even “bear” the amount of puns I’ve got. What have you got? Wiz: As if, unlike Boomstick, Smokey isn’t one to just do the “bear” minimum. In fact, bears in general are quite durable creatures, thanks to their stout anatomy. Including a skeleton so stable, it endures long hibernation without withering. Boomstick: You “bear-ter” believe Smokey is strong, too. Bears his size can break trees and flip over boulders weighin’ more than 350 pounds. When he was just a cub, Smokey even smashed this shitty little house to bits. Wiz: He’s surprisingly stealthy, able to sneak up on people in broad daylight with “bear-ly” a sound. Also, black bears can run up to 30 miles per hour. Boomstick: That’s what makes the bear cavalry so dangerous. Aside from that, he’s accomplished many “un-bear-leavable” feats to keep the forest safe, like manipulatin’ time. Wiz: And also when he disguised himself as a woman without “bear-ing” any resemblance to his original body. Boomstick, why don’t you introduce his greatest feat with your “bear-itone” voice? Boomstick: “Pre-bear” yourself, because Smokey can magically grow so large, he’s bigger than Godzilla, look at the size of him! Wiz: All just to emphasize a point, much like how I’m owning this “un-bear-able” pun war. Boomstick: Oh, I’m still going, I hope you brought some sort of “non-bear-ishable” snack, cause I can do this all day, your gonna be so “em-bear-ressed” when you lose. Wiz: No, no, no, that’ll never happen when it’s me “ursus” you. Boomstick: Ha! You missed a bear pun, your out! Wiz: “Ursus” is Latin for “bear”, moron. Boomstick: Aw, damn it! You know Latin’s my weakness. If only I was a bear, then my only weakness would be bear traps, bear repellant, and bear mace. You know, shit that people had to make to stop bears, since their so unstoppable? Wiz: There are some techniques to increase your chances of surviving a bear attack. Some say you can punch your arm down their throat to induce uncontrollable vomiting. Although I wouldn’t recommend that, because your definitely going to lose your arm. Boomstick: And it’s gross. Wiz: Honestly, all you can really do is make yourself look as large and intimidating as possible. Boomstick: Nah, I know a fool-proof way to escape a bear, you just gotta be faster than the guy next to you.’ Wiz: Well, it’s a good thing Smokey chose a life of education and isn’t chasing people down. The last thing you want after you is an eight foot tall bear with a giant shovel and a grudge. Smokey: Only you can prevent forest fires. Director: Smokey now look, wait, I…Smoke! Smokey: I gotta get back to the forest… Wiz: Let me take you on a trip back to the late 1970’s, also known as the feel-good decade. A time where individualism and personal liberation took center stage. But not everybody took that as a sign of peace. Boomstick: Yeah, domestic crime was getting bad, like, really bad. (Cat yowling) (Wilhelm scream) At the turn of the decade, the American people made a hero to save them from themselves. A… dog in a trench-coat. Wiz: This canine began his campaign modestly enough, but he needed a name. After eight months of polling, he was given one, along with an unforgettable slogan. McGruff: Take a bite outta crime. Boomstick: McGruff, the Crime Dog. Wiz: Focused and determined to make that bite count, McGruff hit the streets hard and fast. In just a year, more than fifty percent of Americans had seen at least one McGruff advertisement. McGruff: Cause teenagers are the victims of over 2,000 violent crimes by strangers everyday. You can help stop it. Boomstick: That’s cause he was willin’ to get his job done by any means possible. Even if it meant ultimate embarrassment. He used commercials, cartoons, comic books, video games, musicals. Wiz: He even released his own anti-drug album, with such classic singles as “Crack and Cocaine”. McGruff: 🎶Cause nobodies needing that crack and cocaine, making a mess of your mind.🎶 Wiz: And “Inhalants”. Kids: 🎶 Don’t do inhalants. 🎶 McGruff: 🎶 You’ll be suffering pain. 🎶 Kids: 🎶 Smart kids say no. 🎶 McGruff: 🎶 Cause inhalants kill. 🎶 Boomstick: Yeah, it’s really, really bad. Wiz: As McGruff’s plan generally targeted children rather than current criminals, it required patience and time. But it worked. Over the next few decades, crime dropped exponentially, the next generation of America was smarter and safer. Boomstick: Now some of you are probably thinkin’. “Hey, you can’t prove McGruff was responsible for all of that!”. And I say to you. Can you prove he wasn’t? Wiz: Regardless, McGruff certainly had a massive impact, leading the charge against crime. Boomstick: I mean, that’s seriously impressive, considerin’ all my dog does is sit around lickin’ his balls. Wiz: McGruff’s not just any dog, he’s a six foot tall, bipedal bloodhound. A dog breed known for their excellent sense of smell, an extremely powerful bite, and floppy, adorable ears. Scaling him to your average bloodhound, McGruff can likely run 45 miles per hour, jump ten feet high, and bite with enough pressure to break bones. Boomstick: And unlike my dog, McGruff wears a cool trench-coat, which not only protects him from the rain and cold, but gives off a neat detective vibe. Wiz: However, unlike Thailand’s air chief marshall, Mr. Fufu… Boomstick: Rest in peace, buddy. Wiz: True story. McGruff doesn’t appear to hold an official police rank. He calls himself a “pre-tective”, which is just as fake as it sounds. Boomstick: Whoa, wait, if a crime hasn’t happened yet. Then how does he know to stop it? That’s like some “Minority Report” shit. Wiz: He possesses a certain set of skills to do so. He has a keen eye for details and context clues. He’s exceptional at analyzing and predicting potential crimes in progress. Boomstick: So, he can predict what’s gonna happen with a few context clues, but that doesn’t mean much if he can’t stop a muggin’ or whatever. Wiz: Luckily, McGruff has plenty of tools and talents, when someone’s in trouble, McGruff’s circle of respect creates a force field. Boomstick: Which is apparently the perfect defense against bullies. Wiz: While he’s not an official member of the police force, he’s been hanging around officers for decades, so it’s not unreasonable to believe he’s picked up some police combat training. Boomstick: Being your own dog has it’s perks, for example, McGruff’s car isn’t a standard, beat up police cruiser, it’s a friggin monster truck! This bad mamma jamma is based on a 2010 Ford Superduty with 540 cubic inches of gas guzzlin’ badassery. Wiz: Definitely an upgrade over his original ’96 model. Though I’m not sure what this has to do with preventing crime. Boomstick: Screw preventin’ crime, this beautiful beast prevents all kinds of other stuff. Like boredom, being a little sissy, and small European cars from goin’ un-smashed, that’s enough for me. Wiz: Ironically, despite his skills and claim to stop crimes before they happen, he’s more of a councilor than a protector, and doesn’t actually step in all that often. Boomstick: No, but he doesn’t need to when he can freeze time! Wiz: Ah yes, McGruff is famous for pausing time and breaking the fourth wall to discuss an ongoing potential crime. Unfortunately, while pausing time, McGruff does not seem capable of interacting with the world around him. McGruff: Uh… that’s Jenny, but that’s not Jenny’s dad. If she gets into that car, that may be the last time you’ll see Jenny. Wiz: He doesn’t even bother saving Jenny from her kidnapper. Boomstick: Which means he was right, that was the last time we saw Jenny. Wiz: Still, McGruff’s campaign has been wildly victorious, it’s safe to say he’s succeeded in taking a bite out of crime. Boomstick: Oh my God, we didn’t even mention the reality flipping switch he has in his office. What the hell is up with that thing? McGruff: I’m McGruff the crime dog, and I’m here to help take a bite outta crime. (barks) Wiz: All right, the combatants are set. Let’s end this debate once and for all. Boomstick: But first I gotta public service announcement for you. It’s about food! Grandpappy Boomstick always said: “That nothing in life is better than good food and makin’ somethin’ with your own two hands.” And Blue Apron is both those things combined. Wiz: Blue Apron is the #1 fresh ingredient and recipe delivery service in the country. All ingredients arrive right to your door guaranteed fresh and ready to cook. Boomstick: It’s better than eatin’ fast food plus It’s affordable; Blue Apron is less than $10 per person per meal. Wiz: Choose from a variety of recipes and get the meals that sound good to you. The ingredients are purposely proportioned and the instructions are easy to follow. I mean even Boomstick can do it! Boomstick: Hey, watch it! Or you’re not getting any to the next meal I make when it arrives. Like the soy glazed pork and rice cakes with bok choy and marinated green beans. Wiz: And if you’re worried about variety? Don’t bother recipes are not repeated within the year so you’ll never get bored. Check out this week’s menu and get your first three meals free with free-shipping by going to BlueApron.com/BATTLE Boomstick: You’ll love how good it feels and taste to create incredible home-cooked meals with Blue Apron. So don’t wait. Wiz: That’s BlueApron.com/BATTLE Boomstick: Blue Apron a better way to cook. But right now… IT’S TIME FOR A DEATH BATTLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!! McGruff: Remember kids, fire is a dangerous tool, and should never be left unattended. Welp, time to go! Smokey: Only you could’ve prevented that forest fire…. Fool. Announcer: FIGHT Smokey: You should learn to respect your surroundings! McGruff: I’ll show you respect! Remember kids, if you’re about to be mauled by a bear…. Smokey: Hmph, stupid dog. McGruff: Take a bite out of THIS! (Howls) Smokey: Not even YOU can prevent THIS! McGruff: Remember kids….. Remember me! (Yelp) Announcer: KO Boomstick: Looks like McGruff had a “ruff” time out there. Smokey was clearly the stronger combatant thanks to… Well, thanks to bein’ a giant bear, really. Wiz: McGruff wasn’t totally outclassed. His greater speed and smaller size made the battle quite tedious for Smokey, but that’s about it. Boomstick: Yeah, he couldn’t compete with Smokey in anything else. It’s like my grandpappy always said: “Why have a guard dog when you can get a guard bear?” Wiz: But what truly mattered in this battle were their unique abilities, and in that, McGruff didn’t stand a chance. When McGruff paused time, he couldn’t affect the world around him, while Smokey has shown that he can. Boomstick: And really, what are you gonna do against a bear that can grow to the size of a mountain? Wiz: So, bear beats dog, Smokey’s powers were superior, and ultimately, Smokey had more far more options to take McGruff down for good. Boomstick: Smokey was just more than McGruff could “bear”. Ha-ha, one last bear pun! Suck it, Wiz! Wiz: Ugh, the winner is Smokey Bear. Ben: Stick around we’re about to announce the combatants for the next DEATH BATTLE! Chad: And if you wanna watch the exclusive commentary on this episode click that little box over there and start a FIRST membership trial. Smokey: Only you can prevent forest fires. Click the link below and help save lives.