Ozzy Man Reviews: Cats Being Dodgy


All right, today I’m doing a review of the animal kingdom’s greatest enemy, CATS! They’re bloody nature’s arsehole, aren’t they? Look at this one, sneaking about, he just coward punched a toddler. Sure on the outside they’re all cute and cuddly, but listen to this demonic bastard… (Cat’s making demonic noises) It’s the devil! This cute little duckling is like “you wanna go on a wholesome adventure?” But the cat says “Naah fuck you. It’s not just small children or baby ducklings that cop it, cats are dickheads to each other as well. They hate each other. He’s like “Nah piss off! These are my three bowls of kibble” “Mate I’m telling you, I’m on the bloody door list.” “Nah you’re not brooo.” I mean look at how Disney villain fucking next-level evil this one looks. This is some of Andy Serkis’s finest motion capture work. I genuinely believe he wants to kill me in my sleep, and wear my face as a winter coat. Oy and what is it with cats destroying toilet paper? They do not want us to have clean butt holes. They’re like “if we have to shit in a tray of rocks, you should too.” You know what makes me really angry is that when this bloke is done, he’s just all like “Oh well… this was only mildly entertaining”, and fuckin licks himself. This puppy’s had enough. He’s mumbling “I’m gonna rip your tail off. Ah nah mate. I just got an itchy ear. Bloody itchy ear. Ey how ya goin’? Are you alright? I’m alright. Yeah nah nah nah nah. Have you been watching The Bachelor? Right I’ve got your fuckin tail, oh nah mate. I’m just… got an itchy ear. What are you looking at, ey? I don’t want to fat shame this one, but… can it seriously not walk around? It’s like “give us a tow bro. I’ve broken down. yeah I need an electric mobility scooter.” This invention is gold. The kid who’s built this is definitely gonna disrupt the lazy fuckin cat market. “Ah I don’t like this remote control. Bye bye! What else have you got on this table? Ah a little glass of gin You’re trying to relax and unwind after work, are ya? Lady: “No no no no no… Get it off, no.” Cat: “What?” Lady: “NO! Hiss.” Cat: “What?” Lady:” No.” Cat: “Naah I’m not doing anything. Lady: “No?!” Cat: “I’m just having a look at this glass. It’s… It’s a great glass. It looks expensive. It would look great… on the ground!” Lady: “Noo…” (Bang) This kitten is drunk. It’s been underage drinking, you can tell. Even the owner behind the camera is asking “did you steal my Bailey’s?” It’s like “nah I didn’t steal your Bailey’s.” – “You look hammered.” – “I’m not lying to you. I didn’t.” (Vomitting) It’s totally lying. “Oh hi human, welcome. Ah I’ve been getting emotionally and physically abused for a few hours now. Do you reckon you can help me?” What’s this fresh water? Screw you! Diabetes medicine, screw you! Oh a crab, screw you! Are you a toddler? You are. Screw you! You’re in the middle of a well choreographed gymnastics routine, Screw you! Another cat, definitely screw you! Boundaries and personal space, nah. Nah. Screw… you! This fuck knuckle is grooming. It’s not even watching TV, yet it won’t let the owner have the remote. It would rather throw itself under traffic than let her have it. It’s yelling “just get on with your life, Theresa. Game of Thrones is over.” Look this one is probably a good bloke or Sheila, once you get to know it. Not all cats are dodgy bastards. I’m being dodgy presenting them purely in a negative light some of my best mates are cats. I’m just saying overall… when they want to be assholes, they’re the best in the game. So yeah… (Demonic noises) Nah don’t piss them off.

100 thoughts on “Ozzy Man Reviews: Cats Being Dodgy

  1. yes. all cats are the shitest animals ever. they are proof that there is no god. only satan. they are the animal equivalent of anti-vaxxers and hitler all rolled into one

  2. Did ya see the one of the lady trying to examine a recently deceased man’s house but she keeps getting attacked by the resident cat? It’s pretty hilarious

  3. I love it, Ozzy you totally get it. I have a cat and I haven't even given it a name I just call it asshole or bastard. Depending on whatever it is she is up to. People get a kick out of when I'm getting after her I'm yelling ASSHOLE at a cat. It's quite funny.

  4. ?‍?wORK ? when i feel bored i get off my ass walk up the road to a work building Head striaght for the Coffee machine & hang about there for as long as i can
    Talk to everyone telling jokes or just common chatter UNTIL im reported by The OFFICE NARK( there 1 in every office*or workplace ??? or called into the bosses Office They always ASK Me who are you / or ill have to sack you My response is always the SAme i DONT even work here ! bye
    ???SPELLing ? GOOGLE fixes mine or i'd type like chit > A lphalbetacailly? wtf HIPOPOTUMUS ? WANKER institution haa????‍?

  5. Cats destroy toilet paper because they are seriously bored and no one gives them their own toys or the sensory stimulation that all felines require.

  6. What I don't understand about cat clearly your angry about something and waging your tail but you still purring are you angry or not make up your mind

  7. Cats are cute well not all but my cats are the best there better than dogs they aren’t stinky and smelly and u don’t have to pick there poop up and they are independent cats are just better

  8. Hahaha hahaha fukken hilarious! Hey Ozzy man you got to do a commentary on your fellow Australian who has built Noahs Ark in USA

  9. Now, you should land your voice for Garfield ?. It would be a , hmmmmmmmm a, hmmmmmmm, a, hmmmmmmm block buster. That's the word

  10. My kitten knows how to bark. Sometimes she makes like a turkey and sometimes, she makes some strange sounds, like a kid.

  11. Ozzy man: some of my best mates are cats.
    Me: all of my best mates are cats!! (Gets face eaten when passes or drunk….)

  12. 1) I love My Cats. 🙂

    2) When your cat challenges your dominance… (you might need some well fitting welding gloves for this part) hold it fimly but gently, on it's back, by the throat. DON'T CHOKE IT, just hold it there and immobilize it for a few minutes. It will squirm, you stop it from squirming. Nape it if you have to, hold it's throat like a dominant lion does to younger lions to show them who's boss. It gets to get up when YOU let it get up… when YOU… ALLOW IT to get up. It will try to challenge your dominance at least once more. Do the same thing again, establish dominance… and you'll never have to deal with a pissy cat again. Treat your animals… LIKE ANIMALS. Be the dominant LEADER of their famililal group. Animals can't speak out language… but we can speak some of theirs.

    Animals survive and die on body language. Strong body language is key and necessary to showing an animal that you will not put up with their crap.
    After that, feed them, pet them, play with them, love on them, show them affection using some of their body language they use when showing each other affection… and they'll love you for the rest of their lives. 🙂

    Pissy animals are either angry, scared (most often), annoyed, hungry, needing to use the bathroom, uncomfortable, in pain (happens a lot more than we realize), or have gone actually mentally unstable and cannot be reasoned with or dominated. The last one is unfortunate, but thankfully mostly rare. 🙂

    I love My Cats. 🙂

  13. This is why I HATE cats… give me a dog or nothing… cats are like feminazis… self-centred entitled irresponsible CUNTS ! Did I say I don't like 'em ? ??

  14. we should start being a cat to a cat
    cat hisses at you? shout at it back
    cat beats up your toilet paper?
    get rid of the cat litter
    cat hits you? hit it back
    if someone calls the police from abusing your cat just tell them that the cat did it to you too

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