All right, today I’m doing a review of the animal kingdom’s greatest enemy, CATS! They’re bloody nature’s arsehole, aren’t they? Look at this one, sneaking about, he just coward punched a toddler. Sure on the outside they’re all cute and cuddly, but listen to this demonic bastard… (Cat’s making demonic noises) It’s the devil! This cute little duckling is like “you wanna go on a wholesome adventure?” But the cat says “Naah fuck you. It’s not just small children or baby ducklings that cop it, cats are dickheads to each other as well. They hate each other. He’s like “Nah piss off! These are my three bowls of kibble” “Mate I’m telling you, I’m on the bloody door list.” “Nah you’re not brooo.” I mean look at how Disney villain fucking next-level evil this one looks. This is some of Andy Serkis’s finest motion capture work. I genuinely believe he wants to kill me in my sleep, and wear my face as a winter coat. Oy and what is it with cats destroying toilet paper? They do not want us to have clean butt holes. They’re like “if we have to shit in a tray of rocks, you should too.” You know what makes me really angry is that when this bloke is done, he’s just all like “Oh well… this was only mildly entertaining”, and fuckin licks himself. This puppy’s had enough. He’s mumbling “I’m gonna rip your tail off. Ah nah mate. I just got an itchy ear. Bloody itchy ear. Ey how ya goin’? Are you alright? I’m alright. Yeah nah nah nah nah. Have you been watching The Bachelor? Right I’ve got your fuckin tail, oh nah mate. I’m just… got an itchy ear. What are you looking at, ey? I don’t want to fat shame this one, but… can it seriously not walk around? It’s like “give us a tow bro. I’ve broken down. yeah I need an electric mobility scooter.” This invention is gold. The kid who’s built this is definitely gonna disrupt the lazy fuckin cat market. “Ah I don’t like this remote control. Bye bye! What else have you got on this table? Ah a little glass of gin You’re trying to relax and unwind after work, are ya? Lady: “No no no no no… Get it off, no.” Cat: “What?” Lady: “NO! Hiss.” Cat: “What?” Lady:” No.” Cat: “Naah I’m not doing anything. Lady: “No?!” Cat: “I’m just having a look at this glass. It’s… It’s a great glass. It looks expensive. It would look great… on the ground!” Lady: “Noo…” (Bang) This kitten is drunk. It’s been underage drinking, you can tell. Even the owner behind the camera is asking “did you steal my Bailey’s?” It’s like “nah I didn’t steal your Bailey’s.” – “You look hammered.” – “I’m not lying to you. I didn’t.” (Vomitting) It’s totally lying. “Oh hi human, welcome. Ah I’ve been getting emotionally and physically abused for a few hours now. Do you reckon you can help me?” What’s this fresh water? Screw you! Diabetes medicine, screw you! Oh a crab, screw you! Are you a toddler? You are. Screw you! You’re in the middle of a well choreographed gymnastics routine, Screw you! Another cat, definitely screw you! Boundaries and personal space, nah. Nah. Screw… you! This fuck knuckle is grooming. It’s not even watching TV, yet it won’t let the owner have the remote. It would rather throw itself under traffic than let her have it. It’s yelling “just get on with your life, Theresa. Game of Thrones is over.” Look this one is probably a good bloke or Sheila, once you get to know it. Not all cats are dodgy bastards. I’m being dodgy presenting them purely in a negative light some of my best mates are cats. I’m just saying overall… when they want to be assholes, they’re the best in the game. So yeah… (Demonic noises) Nah don’t piss them off.