P: Hey guys!
D: Yo internet. P: So, we’re currently in the middle of our American tour In Denver. D: In this lovely dank hotel room, if you’re wondering where the heck we are P: It’s not that bad! At least we’ve got pillows– D: It’s very dank P: –In this one. Anyway! I got that special feeling this morning D: Um. P:The feeling for pancakes! D:Oooh *Laugh* okay! That’s–so much better than anything I thought you were gonna say P: So, we had a cheeky pop down to IHOP!
D: To go down and whack a stack, you know how it is. P: Whack a stack? D: That’s what they say. Pancakes, man. P: When, in the middle of the road, like a beam down from heaven D: Okay, it really wasn’t that exciting, Phil. P: It was! I discovered…this five dollar bill! D: Oh my God! Five dollars. P:Yeah! Doesn’t American money smell really good? Smell– D:Wha–Phil, that was literally on the floor, please don’t stick it in my face. P: Where do you think it came from?
D: I, who knows? P: Like a bank exploded?
D: Maybe it was a drug deal gone wrong. P: Maybe we shouldn’t think about it too much.
D: Maybe not. P: Either way, I was given free money from the universe, so I decided we had to do something fun with it. P: Now, across the internet there are loads of websites where for a tiny amount of money, you can get random strangers to perform services for you. D: Okay, woah, “services”? Is some strange man about to bust in here and give us a “massage”, Phil, what have you done? P: *laughs* No, no, DIGITAL services!
D: Pft, okay. P: You can get a message in Alphabetti Spaghetti.
D: Uh huh. P: Make a voodoo doll of someone you want to curse.
D: That sounds very, you know, useful. P: Yeah? Or even get some guys in a jungle to dance for you. D: What?
P: No, seriously. Look at this. P: *laughs*
D: Uhm. P: Wow. They’ve got some moves! D: They will literally write on their torsos and dance.
P: Yeah! D: I mean, that’s completely worth the money.
P: Definitely D: I don’t know about you but this is what the internet was made for. P: So, today my friends, we are going to spend this five dollars on something incredible!
D: Mhm P: Welcome to The Five Dollar Internet Experiment! *Catchy Jingle* P: So for today’s video, I thought we could find out…our past life animals! D: Our what?
P: Our past life animals! As in, in different lives, what animal were we? P: Were you an elephant? Walking through the Sarengeti?
D: How the hell is five dollars gonna tell us what animal we were in a previous life? P: Because I found a mystic called Caroline who is offering this service! D: There is–she–it’s a crazy cat lady– D: You have found a mystic that will find out our past life animals for five dollars. P: Are you not curious, though? You could be a squirrel, you could be a penguin! D: Okay, fine, whatever, sure! It’s your five dollars, Phil. Let’s do this. P: Alright. Mystical Caroline needs our name, star sign, and any animals that we love and fear. D: …Does she also need our passport numbers and urine sample? That’s quite a lot of information she needs there. P: *laugh* I think that’s for the premium service.
D: Okay. P: Well, first of all, she needs my name. So, Phil.
D: Phil. You knew that. P: Star sign, Aquarius.
D: What is that? P: Just–a water jug. That’s not interesting
D: That is the worst star sign, surely P: Favorite animals
D: What are they? P: Red panda, lions
D: Nice choice, need to stay on brand. P: Yeah, raccoons,
D: Really? P: Polar bears, and penguins. I gave her a few.
D: Sure. P: And animals I fear…
D: What’s that? P: Spindly spiders. I just hate the ones with the really thin legs. P: I don’t mind fat spiders, though. They’re like fat hamsters. Also, I don’t really trust horses that much? I’ll just say that. D: You don’t…TRUST horses?
P: I mean, they might kick you in the face! P: I’ve put “not sure why”.
D: …Okay. P: Alright, Dan, what is your name?
D: …Dan. *laughs* P: What’s your star sign?
D: Gemini. Nice. P: Twins, that is. Imagine is there was two Dans. That’d be a nightmare…
D: Excuse me. P: Animals that interest him. I’m sure a few. D: Um, sure, okay. Grizzly bears. They’re cute, relatable. Alpacas. Need to throw back to that 2011. Foxes, and dogs. P: Of course the dog.
D: There we go. Throw a cheeky shiba in the mix.
P:Wow. P: Animals he fears.
D: Spiders, beetles, and moths. P: Well, there we go, I sent that off to Caroline for her mystical analysis.
D: Good, I look forward to it. P: Yeah, I sent her a link to our Youtube videos as well, just so she can get a feel of who we are. D: What, you sent her our videos?
P: Yeah! D: Why did you do that?! I don’t want her to know who we ACTUALLY are! P: Well I just thought it’d be interesting! D: What if she sends some creepy ghost bugs to attack us while we sleep or something?! P: Well it’s too late for that. Sorry.
D: Thanks, Phil. Way to dump us in that. *Music* P: And we’re back!
D: *singsong* The results are in! Oh yeah! P: *Hums* I’ve eaten two cockies–cockies? *Laughs* Cookies! Since we last spoke–obviously had too much sugar, Anyways, the results are in! D: …Are you including that?
P: I think so. That’s what I said! D: I don’t… I’m– D: …The results are baaack! Thanks, Caroline! Okay, I will read these to you, Phil. Are you ready for your psychic scoop? P: I’m so excited! D: Phil’s results: “What I got from ‘reading’ (in quote marks) from you is…a woodpecker.
D&P: *Laughing* P: A woodpecker? Are you kidding?!
D: Yup. Oh my God, that is hilarious. P: What??
D: Okay, this was totally worth five dollars, okay? P: Like, Woody Woodpecker?
D: Okay. D: This is her description of it: “You have a natural rhythm”. What? Okay
P: A natural rhythm? I have no– D: Have you seen Phil attempt to dance?
P: I have four left feet! D: You have no idea.
P: I cannot dance. D: “You usually know what needs to be done and will prompt the awareness of others to get them motivated.” P: I think that’s a thing, though! Isn’t it? “Dan, Dan. Do something, Dan, stop procrastinating!”
D: Yeah, okay, thank you. That’s not our entire lives or anything. D: “You have the ability to…pound away at a project or situation to get what you want.”
P: I was wondering where that was going. D: Really?
P: “Pound away at a situation.” D: She’s making a bloody woodpecker metaphor! Really? I mean, why don’t you just say “You diligently peck at a tree until you solve your problems?”
P: Oooh. *laughs* P: I think i’m good at getting things done, so that kind of applies. D: Oh, and Phil, apparently, the woodpecker has a message for you.
P: Oh. D: I don’t know if that’s just like, a specific woodpecker, “The Woodpecker–”
P: The one that I used to be! D: Ooh.
P: Because I was a woodpecker in my past life. D: You’re causing like a weird paradox then. Hodor! P: Hey woodpecker. You in the past? D: The message is, that you have neglected some area of your life.
P: What? What does that mean? D: Have you maybe been paying too much attention to the physical? Eating the wrong things?
P: IHOP. Donuts. D: Not getting enough sleep? Indulging in alcohol–maybe not. Pfft. Phil the party animal
P: Nope. D: And neglecting your spiritual side? Take a good hard look at your life and make sure you’re in balance. P: Alright, woodpecker, calm down!
D: Did the woodpecker basically just call you lazy and sleepy? D: I think you just got sassed by your past self.
P: I think I did. P: Stop donut-shaming me, I’ll have three if I want, I’m on holiday! D: And here is your “General Animal Guide”.
P: Hyped. D:It’s based on your likes and dislikes. Red panda is unique, different, but gentle.
P: I think that’s me. D: I think that’s Phil in three words. “Different.” D: Lion. Group dynamics, how to deal diplomatically with groups, but roar if you need to. Okay, I’m sorry, no. P: I could have a roar!
D: Phil has never roared in his entire life. P: Hey! You just haven’t heard it yet.
D: You are the red panda. D: And now for your dislikes. Spiders: nobody likes spiders, but they represent our abilities to create (weave) our own destinies. Really, like weave a web? D: Okay, I swear to God if she does ONE more animal metaphor, I’m gonna flip the camera.
P: Leave Caroline alone! D: This is stup-whatever. D: A quick side note, I watched a couple of your videos.
P: Oh no! D: *laughs* here’s the review. “I see a gentle soul with a great ability to care for others. A good friend. ”
P: Aww! D: “Basically a really good person.A little quirky; you’re just trying to find your niche in life like the rest of us”.
P: Aw, Caroline! I want you to be my fun psychic auntie! D: Okay, Phil, you know this is the internet, so it’s probably an old German man in his basement saving up money to buy a back scratcher.
P: Probably. P: Dan’s results!
D: Okay, here we go. P: “From what I get, you are a seal!”
D: A seal?! Are you f—ing kidding me?! A seal?! P: A seal!! A seal!!
D: Alright, it’s better than a bloody woodpecker! Okay. D: Oh my god.
P: Do you wanna know what a seal means?
D: Yes please. P: Apparently, you are creative, you enjoy life, and only work when you have to.
D: Wh-okay, okay, shut up! That does not say that!
P: It does! P: Past seal has a message for you.
D: Oh, okay, here we go. P: Hey, maybe it’s a, seal of approval!
D: *Laughs* Okay, alright, I really wanted to be disappointed with you there but, that was, top pun, good sir. P: Thank you. Okay, I’m speaking as the seal now *Seal noise* Translation! “You need to find a logical balance between work and play and between taking care of yourself and indulging yourself. ” D: Okay, just–
P: Hey! It’s the anti-procrastination seal! D: Can this woman just stop insulting me, okay, this is a sensitive topic for me. P: Here’s your general animal guide. Bear: knows when to rest, sleep, and prepare for the coming hibernation. D: Okay, literally me after this tour, I’m just gonna sleep for three months.
P: Yep! P: Alpaca: grows elegant wool during the long, cold winter.
D: *laughs* okay, like my hair in 2011. The alpaca of Dan’s square hair! P: It knows it!
D: It’s the llama of regret. Thank you for bringing that back up, Caroline P: Alpacas also bring the message of learning to navigate through the rough terrain of life. D: Really? I–okay, that’s it, I’m gonna, like. Flip, flip, flip!
P: No! D: Stop with the animal puns! P: It’s like you, navigating through your videos. D: It’s like the messages I try and give my subscribers.
P: Yes! D: The Learning Llama. P: As for the moth, there may be a message for you. Oh, you got a message from the moth as well! D: The moth is giving me a message. Do I want this? I don’t think I want the moth message.
P: Jealous, okay, let’s find out. P: “Moths have short lives as they are always moving–
D: …Um. P:–Most of the time erractically and nervously. Do you sometimes worry that you won’t get to do everything in your life that you want? P: Sort of worried about your bucket list?” It’s the existential crisis moth! D: Oh my God, I did not ask for a moth to put this perspective on my life, okay? Who told you–okay, you’re gonna have to give me five minutes P: Dan, no. Oh no.
D: Okay, here we go. *flop noise* P: Moth, what have you done? …I guess we’ll just be here for a while. P: …Dan. Dan? *laugh* *Music* D: I just want to say this is obviously complete bullsh*t, let’s be real
P: No! D: But you actually got, like “Phil, the gentle shy person, creative!” and I got “Dan, the person that procrastinates a lot and is thinking about death all the time.” P: Exactly! The animals know us! D: …Or! She just watched our f*cking videos and knows that’s exactly what we wanted to talk about–okay, okay, I’m onto you, Caroline! P: Alright. We have to give her a rating out of 5 on the website now.
D: Okay, well, I’d give her a 4 just for the lolz to be honest. P: It’s a solid 5 woodpeckers out of 5 from me.
D: …Okay. P: Here we go! *Children cheering* P: So that was the Five Dollar Internet Experiment! D: Thank you Phil, what a wonderful use of five dollars.
P: Thank you. D: Hey, if you want us to do this again with another mystical service on the internet, then give us a thumbs up or leave a comment if you want us to for some reason. P: Yeah, and you can also subscribe by clicking here, or you can click on Dan’s face to subscribe to him. D: Thanks for the promo, Phil P: Also, we’re on tour right now.
D: Yeah, get that in. Are there any tickets left? P: There are tickets left in Oakland, Cupertino, Pheonix, and also Dan’s special birthday show in Vegas. D: It’s my birthday in Vegas, that was well-timed. *Laughs* P: So if you want to come hang out with us, go to danandphiltour.com and you can get some tickets to see our show! D: We will see you next time guys.
P: Goodbye from the woodpecker. D: I’ll try not to let Phil have anymore pancakes.
P: Goodbye from the seal. D: *laughs* Oh, this was so stupid.