NYSU S04E03: w/Colin Hanks and Cenk Uygur

hello and welcome to the long-awaited season premiere of no you shut up the most important news program ever of all time anywhere I hope I'm Paul F Tompkins on this week's show Jake you go from The Young Turks does a slam dunk and movie star Colin Hanks performs close-up magic but first the Iowa caucus just happened and that means the election season is in full swing still and no you shut up promises to be there with diverse opinions fancy graphics the occasional sound effect to tell you how you should feel and I'm proud to say technology that no other show can bring you like this the claw commander-in-chief the clock mender not only counts down the days until the next election it also represents every potential candidate as you can see it's got a man body because the president could be a man the placement of this seer acknowledges our next president may in fact be a lady and if the president is a person of color no worries we've used these oven mitts to obscure the clock Manders white skin proprietary technology like this is just one of the many ways we'll be covering the election this year now get ready for our emmy-award craving segment shut up the vote I'm sitting down now Monday's caucus in Iowa was an exciting night a nation watched as pundits pointed at maps and many different breaking news graphics were unveiled it was a thrilling night for the media all trying to be the first to call the caucus winners so the Democrats in Iowa is still too close to call and very close lead over Bernie Sanders but it's very early in the night went from too early to call and now too close to call and again it is still too early to tell but we hear on no you shut up we pride ourselves not on being first but on being last because as they say in the news game if you're last you're never wrong now if there's a show out there who can announce the caucus results later than us well my hat is off to you but now the results the GOP field had a clear winner Ted Cruz took the Iowa cake with 28% of the vote the Democratic side is another story three full days later we are still not comfortable calling this caucus for either Bernie Sanders or Hillary Clinton so please tune in next Thursday when I promise no you shut up will be the absolute last show to call this primary but right now our technology insists it's a time we now go to conservative Christian star Schlessinger and liberal critic Armond mite for their analyses I gotta say I hate Bernie Sanders but I don't hate him as much as I hate Hitler II Clinton she's like The Oprah Winfrey of abortion you get an abortion you get an abortion and you get an abortion you want my political analysis here it is you know when you carve a pumpkin then you leave it outside to rot day 8 that's Ted Cruz's face opinion you'll hear on no other show now as you know we hear a nice you are dedicated to keeping our content topical relevant and most of all fresh with that in mind here's actor model and hot dog hot dog hot dog hey what's up guys it's your boy hot dog here this upcoming election is gonna be totally craisins and to help you figure it out I've put together a new shut up the vote segment called I love that title for sounding so hip and urban first up former Maryland Governor Martin O'Malley threw in the towel after getting nearly 0% in the Iowa caucus tonight I have to tell you that I am suspending this presidential bid poor Marty Oh males he's like please vote for me and I will be like Martin O'Malley more like Martin kablooie the presumptive Republican nominee Donald Trump recently got one heck of an endorsement from Sarah Palin right-wing and bitter clingin proud clingers of our guns our daughter and our religions and our Constitution tell us that we're not ready enough yeah coming from the establishment I mean call me cold-blooded but this endorsement belies you gotta farted yeah I got it well I'll talk I wouldn't make space on a shelf for that Pulitzer just yet okay once again our thoughts and prayers go out to the yoga ball kid I'm now joined by columnist political activist commentator heurists and hosts tour of his own show on YouTube The Young Turks please welcome to now sue jank youghurt jank it's a pleasure to have you sitting here with me thank you pleasures all mine Jake your show The Young Turks how why who reporter questions Young Turks is the largest online news network not a big deal that seems like a big deal am I wrong you know I was kidding it is a big deal I see we've got about 30 channels up on YouTube we got over a dozen hosts we pretty much dominated Internet thank you for those brags I am particularly fond of a segment on your show called the final judgement where you provide your viewers with a well researched deep dive on a hot topic those bitches will surrender overnight oh yeah okay okay that's crazy that's my final judgement now Jake I'd love to get a little that razor-sharp analysis from you right here on this show would you mind can do fantastic because I spent the entire day with a thesaurus and came up with a segment that's just different enough to not bring on a lawsuit it is called terminal verdict first up while stumping for Donald J Trump Mama Grizzly herself Sarah Louise Palin blames some stuff on Obama including her son's domestic violence her speech endorsing Donald Trump yesterday from a vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin suggesting her son's arrest on domestic violent charges was a result of post-traumatic stress disorder and partially due to President Obama's lack of respect for men and women in uniform is it Obama's fault Jake what is your terminal verdict now I would progressive but I really gotta side with Sarah Palin here Obama's been taking up all her time she's got to criticize him she's got to make money off of criticizing him so she doesn't have time to raise her kids that's why they keep getting pregnant out of wedlock keep beating up other people including their girlfriends so in conclusion thanks Obama Jake that was a great terminal verdict you are very good at giving opinions so while I have you here I'm here all day take a look at this now one of these sconces I like and one of these sconces my wife likes a lot so which of these sconces do you prefer well I'm really worked up about this sconce issue I mean this thing's got me pissed I mean how you gonna go with the rose gold rose gold makes no sense the other one looks like a know them I'm Pro I go without doing that thing sure that's my terminal verdict thank you very much Oh Jake Jake pick me pick me oh hey how you doing hey wow that's pretty good you know an old sandwich earlier that's kind of feeling like it was questioned oh right okay Super Bowl Sunday is coming up who's it gonna be the Carolina Panthers or the Denver Broncos what time is it Bronco make a horse's home oh not really okay okay who's gonna be the winner I can't stand Peyton Manning I think he is a choker a Republican and a dick so I'm going in Panthers roasted well there you have it Jake yogurt thank you for visiting with us and thanks for being a part of Kermit all verdict no problems no you shut up when no you shut up returns looking at the bulgar no never really yeah changes everything right absolutely welcome back my next guest is a celebrity but also a person from the columbia broadcasting systems life in pieces please welcome Colin Hanks Colin hello hello Paul thank you for being here thank you for having me now on the show life in pieces you have children but in real life you also have children planned or coincidence a little bit of both to be quite honest now that I have children I sort of get some of the the humor the Parenthood humor if you will so before you you had children in life and you were like this isn't funny and then when you see written jokes and a script about being a parent you're like I get it it's actually kind of funny yeah it's cliché for a reason but what's the worst part about being a parent uh well I would actually say the hardest part for me at least would probably be you know trying to talk to my kids about the scary things that are going on in the world climate change Isis Sarah Palin some combination of those three together yeah most of things are real and scary so what does a parent do when let's say little Colin or Cullen eita asks about climate change let's say well that's when it's time for daddy to do a little something I like to call kinder splaining kinder splaining do you teach them little songs and rhymes to make them feel better or no that's some basic shit Paul alright kids are pretty sophisticated these days Oh miss pancakes pockets it's me miss pancakes look isn't she fun now where do you to do this kinder splaining do you do it on some sort of basic cable or YouTube or snapchat what do you mean oh you just do this at home with your kids yeah how did she get here well Paul I ate my way here through a stack of flooded pancakes I should have assumed well Kinder's plate away you two hey kids if your parents watch the big people new show with you in the room you've probably heard some scary words like Isis or ISIL they're the ones with the big shooter Jeeps and those sticks make them go away mess pancakes you got it Colin listen kids the odds of being killed in a terrorist attack on 9.5 million to one you're much more likely to choke on pizza or be crushed to death by a piece of furniture right in your very own room more like Osama bin futon so don't y'all go worrying about me no Isis yum you give me some pancakes you actually want pancakes miss pancakes one more for you my grandpa told me yesterday that North Korea wants to blow me up with a scary hydrogen bomb should we be scared that they can make us go kablooey miss backaches there's no need to fret about North Korea kids it's so far away you're much more likely to be murdered by someone you already know oh I think I could say this for everybody thank goodness remember Jeffrey Dahmer only killed his neighbors yum yum gimme some well I guess the world isn't too scary a place if you see it through the eyes of miss pancakes what about me Paul coming up more with Colin Hanks when no you shut up returns is it really true that Jeffrey Dahmer only killed his neighbors do I know and then we just woke up in our own beds no Lisa it's comfortable yeah welcome back one of the hot-button issues in this year's presidential election guns some people believe they are a public safety issue while others see guns as a political flashpoint if you had to sum up America's relationship to guns you could do it in two words it's complicated or to be more clear three words it is complicated the numbers are staggering more than 33,000 Americans killed by firearms in just one year the United States is the most heavily armed nation in the world with roughly one gun for every person joining us now is conservative Christian star Schlessinger star if that number is true are you at all worried that we have more guns than people as a proud guns owner and Crusader my Second Amendment rights that sounds more like people making a problem than a gun problem I am talking about president oh boy horses contraceptives up oh I'm not a lady business once we stop killing all them babies we don't have way more people than there wouldn't be enough guns to fill their chubby little hands insensitive but that is par for the Star course Armen might do you disagree no sound like someone over there's been drinking out of Bill Cosby's appletini jug Paul these mouth-breathing fast food munching troglodytes had their way we all look like characters from Mad Max fury road even the mere mention of sensible gun control makes them act like someone went yellow in the big gulps and for the record fury road overrated it was all fantastic for for me Tompkins now you're on the record as having loved every Fantastic Four movie that's ever been made they're all good I can't choose one don't make me Sophie's Choice this let's open it up to the panel over here we have actor model and hot dog hot dog hello fans who and star of life in pieces on CBS Colin Hanks try to do now Colin since were just throwing you into our discussion we don't expect you to have a well-researched position on the matter however as a human being we do expect you to have emotional reactions and what better way to communicate your emotions than when the series of emojis we have a stack of emojis for you right here of course you're encouraged to explain your emoji response but remember sometimes an emoji is all the explanation you'll ever need it sounds cool ah Alfred Ruddock a recent study noted firearms are the only consumer product the federal government does not regulate for health and safety meanwhile science-based regulations have dramatically reduced deaths from Motor Vehicles in recent decades so why are we so reluctant to regulate guns here's a reason because guns are awesome I think come on Paul well what our movies be without guns can you imagine John McClane and die hard without a gun or John McLean and die hard to without a gun or John McClane and die hard with a vengeance without a gun or John McClane and live free and die hard without a gun John McClane and a good day to die hard without did you think that that we needed all of the diehards to be referenced in order for you to make your point I just trying to get more airtime if the Hollywood minute is over over there if I could weigh in on regulation you know first they cut off the nuts of the EPA they're trying to dissolve the IRS and they're still in a major circle jerk trying to repeal the Affordable Care Act oh who needs regulation we can help those tasty gas fumes and border ranch or drink that sweet sweet water from the Flint River boom oh I just want to circle back to the circle jerk in case you didn't know that's when a group of guys know Netflix and chill Collin regulations I am for them thumbs up you get a Fonzie on that one speaking of thumbs many have pointed their finger guns at President Obama claiming that he's trying to take bangbang shooties away from law-abiding citizens I am convinced that if this president could confiscate every gun in America he wouldn't and the government could confiscate your guns who wants to take your guns away you hear it this way do you believe the president is capable of taking our guns away and if so how would he do it classic fear mongering like like clickbait in human form and those dopes eat it right up hook line and stinker but you gotta play to your base which again is people whose idea of fun is playing cornhole with the cousins now you see cornholing Paul is when you take the we got it all right we're good oh he's going for our guns all right he's about a week away from tearing up the Constitution and going rope you just watched the minute he could convince this socialist Australian buddies to stop hand jerking kangaroos they'll boo – everybody sidearms into a big old bonfire on the White House law Paul I think presidents could definitely take our guns away I mean these guys are notorious badasses you remember Harrison Ford and Air Force One we're Morgan Freeman and deep impact give me your guns America I am y'all president and I need them to kill a meteor Oh Miss Daisy I'd like to give you my gun you know people think I'm racist but what hotdogs just did that's a hate crime it was not good it was not good huh Colin what do you think is the president going to take away everyone's guns well Paul if he does try it certainly seems like it would be a lot of work emoji finally we go now to Skype where a legendary boxer Mike Tyson has prepared a question for the panel mr. Tyson yes hey champ all right what question would you like to ask the panel mr. Tyson I hope you get some much-needed medical attention because Christ that looked bad Colin Hanks any thoughts or prayers for Mike Tyson yeah yeah very sad to see the champa go down like that but we'll say that's gonna be a white-hot viral clips east on fire and pizza because of Italy how would Italy relate to either a Mike Tyson or gun control I wish I could answer that question Paul but I don't have any more cards more with Colin Hanks one no you shut up returns good talk guys welcome back it's time for our panel is sound off gang whom should shut up this week star we'll start with you thank you I would like to tell megyn kelly this yeah who does she think she is with her new short hairdo wearing pants and scaring all the Republic men like some kind of Rachel Maddow Maleficent hybrid and why would anybody spell mayor with a wife smells like Satan to me shut up megyn kelly I mean I would like to tell the revenant to shut up the presumptive Best Picture choice is nothing more than a slog in the snow and Leos Ben Oscar baiting since he orally pleasured that guy in the Basketball Diaries snow movies began and ended with snow dogs and it's cooler good enough Junior so shut up the revenant hot dog Polly T I would like to not shut up lint rollers they are so satisfying bye-bye weird fuzzy things on my sweater and keep crushing it lint rollers can't play ball you can't do what everyone else did we're telling things to shut up I'm just trying to be positive you know Colin Hanks yes call-waiting shut up I'm in the middle of a conversation can you just be quiet for one second and let me finish this thought with my friend thank you as for me I'd like to tell the Oscars to shut up because the Oscars so white no one ever says the Daytime Emmys are to white that's because no one watches them well not since Bob Barker retired from The Price is Right is he still alive by the way if he is good and if not well maybe he faked his own death so he could quietly roam the countryside spaying and neutering pets like a kind of Johnny Appleseed of genital mutilation of animals well that's all the time we have for this week's know you shut up join us again next week and until then you shut up The Price is Right Bob marker they had that really long yes she had nothing to prove you're endowed like the Barker you don't need a hold a big stick

39 thoughts on “NYSU S04E03: w/Colin Hanks and Cenk Uygur

  1. there ought to be a play on political party puppets as actual puppets on
    here. the set up to the jokes could be any sort of corruption
    references. you should hire me. do you hear me PFT?!

  2. I really fucking hate idiots that were born in 1989 calling them selves 80's kids. What I hate more is you comedic fuck butts telling me I'm not an nineties kid.  owwww I hurt my finger…..get it

  3. Whats sad is idiotic bullshit like PewDiepie Dominates the internet with a zombie audience who stays home gaming when its time to vote

  4. Cenk is the only reason i wash this.

    For the love of silence remove the bad fart jokes and the puppets. This is like a bad childrens program talking about subject children does not understand. Witch audience is this supposed to target, republicans?

  5. ". . .because, CHRIST, that looked bad."
    I lost my mind. I don't think PFT had seen that clip until they were filming. Oh, man…


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