Narcissists' Emotionally Abusive Phrases To Watch Out For

nameste dear ones how are you Lisa a Vermonter here the life coach and today I want to talk to you about some phrases key phrases that we need to be aware of when we are out and about in public so for anyone out there who's codependent who came from a dysfunctional home whose parents were alcoholics we have to understand that our brains have been scrambled if you were to take a child let's say child a that grew up in a non alcoholic home a non dry alcoholic home where the place was dysfunctional but there were no drugs or alcohol to particularly look at so basically your mother and father EFT with your head your brother your siblings like messed with your head and they learn that for mom and dad so everybody lived in denial so let's say you that home let's say a home like that – that stuff so so let's say place home home a is a place where the kids were treated with respect they were raised understanding that their feelings mattered they were encouraged to speak about how they felt there was a round table where each person in the family got to express how they felt and everybody was validated they were encouraged to be their own individual person they weren't made fun of they weren't criticized you know so that's today okay then there's us we were we're house B you know those of us who grew up in homes where we were minimized we were made fun of we were criticized we were ignored we were treated with indifference we were constantly being told what we think and what we feel we were interrogated we were good kids most of us were good kids but our parents made us feel like we were specimens in a petri dish and that would be evil and that we weren't any good and they always looked at us from you know from the corner of their eye projected their their sick stuff on tops but we didn't know that we were kids so I we were babies we didn't know that so let's say we come from a dysfunctional home with his lots of alcoholism let's say moms out slutting around and she's leaving you to take care of your baby brother and your baby sister or or your the baby experiencing this situation well let's say dad's out you know screw in the town and mom's home drunk I mean we were not supposed to be raised like that dear one and if you were oh my god like kisses and hug and love and light to you and please I really hope that that you understand it's not you it's your programming which by the way is the name of my next book well I have two books in the works that's the sixth one that I'm working on it's not you it's your programming so what we're going to talk about today is is how when you're raised by people who F with your head who minimize you who criticize you who treat you like you're nothing how when you're an adult you attract people who treat you that way because that's all you know I believe on an energetic level we're trying to heal something so so I I married my mother I married my mother's emotional twin I didn't know that then I didn't know that I was trying to finally get the attention and validation and the approval of an energy being that was so similar to my mom I married a man who made me chase his approval I married a man who deliberately withheld from me I married a man who would ignore me for days I married a man who would come home and slam the kitchen cabinets I'd say what's wrong he'd say nothing what's wrong with you why do you think there's something wrong with me and I mean a complete mind you know what like what's happening here like I you look angry but it literally made me feel like whoa what's going on you know so similar to how I felt when I was a little girl didn't make the conscious connection because for some up until the age about 33 or 34 I was a zombie I was living off of this this programming as that I received as a child and I was unaware that I was unaware okay so about that age I started to figure out like something's really wrong my body was failing asthma mine my green headache stomach issue rashes acne weight gain weight loss nervousness anxiety panic disorder doctors wanted to medicate man just which was not going to help me because I needed to know how to express my feelings and so if you suppress my ability to get in touch with my feelings dude that's not going to help me that's going to keep me stuck and a lot of people in my opinion unfortunately the the psychiatric community is filled with people who just don't want you to feel anything you know don't feel it you'll be fine you know okay what that's crazy teach me how to feel we don't know how to feel and I encourage you dear ones if you're in therapy and you have a psychiatrist or you have a psychologist or a licensed therapist and they and you get the feeling that they do not hear you find another one they work for you you are their boss okay you don't need them they need you okay and you have the right to walk into a doctor's office and say excuse me exactly what do you know about codependency and if you if you do know about codependency exactly what strategies are you going to teach me to help me get out of this way of thinking Ross Rosenberg is one of my favorite teachers on codependency um and has well has actually trains people to help codependents get out of this codependent mind frame this is what I do in my coaching classes as well but I would say Ross Rosenberg is probably the only person that I've experienced on youtube yet thus far that can actually hone in on what's going to happen in your life as you begin to break these codependent patterns okay as a narcissist for all of those out there like okay Lisa what are the phrase is I'm going to get to that I'm very long as you can tell so um I just really want to say that though dear ones if you if you're working with someone skidaddle if they don't get you skedaddle until you find someone who does they work for you okay now we're going to talk about the fact that most codependents attract narcissistic people why let's understand why we attract narcissistic people because we have been mind screwed and we don't know how to hold on to ourselves and so it's very we attract people who like to do that to other people we attract people who like to mind you know what other people they enjoy it see now you can't we'll set it you can't mess with me now you can't mess with me now a man or a woman or anyone a friend can't play those games management cuz I'm on it I'm on it I'm in touch with myself so some of the phrases that I want you to be aware of are I know I know what you're thinking I know what you feel I know why you did that ever have a conversation with the spouse when he said to you I know why you did that you did that because you think I so here you have someone who knows what your intention is and he knows what you think um I know I know I know what I know how you feel about me I know I know what you feel about her I know why you did that I know exactly why you did that you did that because you think dear ones I used to get spoken to like that all the time all the time and for instance I'll go back when I was a little girl and I wanted nothing more than my mother's validation and I bought her a pair of sneakers because her feet were so cracked from cleaning the house with bleach and water and she never took care of herself and I thought okay you know I'll save this money I bought my mom a pair of sneakers and she'll know how much I love her and so when I present her with these sneakers she says what do you think you can buy my love Lisa he or she was insinuating that my agenda wasn't pure and nothing could have been further from the truth but because I was so worried about what she thought about me I got swept up and feeling ashamed I actually felt came away from that experience carrying shame like oh my god did I is that why I bought my mom sneakers is I'm trying to buy her love I was trying to feel validated I was trying to get her to pay attention maybe see a side of me that I knew she didn't see I was fond trying to feel bonded with her you know um I remember when I was married to my first husband narcissistic covert narcissist OJ Simpson dr. Jekyll mr. Hyde passive-aggressive mofo what I was married to him I remember I bought him a birthday present and he actually said to me I know why you bought this I was like because it's your birthday and he went off into this whole long tirade about I can't even remember exactly what it was but how I was trying to convince him that the birthday presents that I bought for him were more meaningful than the birthday presents he'd bought for me he actually came away with you bought this for me because you want me to feel bad about the gifts that I bought you oh my god that is so sick that is ridiculous that it's absolutely ridiculous but that was the way I lived and so if I clean the bathroom what you know always are you trying to tell me that I that you clean better than me so what you clean a bathroom better than I clean the bathroom I mean it was everywhere accusation paranoia it was everywhere and because I was codependent and I was raised by two unrecovered adult children of alcoholics who unfortunately scrambled with my brain and my mom especially my mom is very suspicious of people very very critical of people doesn't trust anybody there are explanations I mean that's that's the effect my mom is is very critical and very judgmental there is a cause and those are her personal causes and I totally get why my mom is that way but she's a zombie because she's never confronted it and tried to work it out and I think that that awareness is like a ladder that never ends and we're always supposed to be climbing those ladders what was supposed to be reaching for another rung on the ladder and she doesn't do that so I'm up here my mom's down here and I don't mean in terms of worth we're all worthy no one is more important than anyone else and and and so I don't see myself as more worthy I see myself as more aware I see myself as more enlightened than my mom I am it's a fact what could I tell you now there are reasons she is that way her reasoning affected my my reason literally literally her thinking became my thinking and it could be no other way dear ones because our programming comes from our parents how in why well because we come into this world knowing they are the boss and we're supposed to be learning from them they are our Guardians they're supposed to be guarding over us we come into this world just assume they know what the hell they're talking about we don't know they don't we don't know their history we don't know that they're dysfunctional we just know this is why I have a house operates that's all we know so and little homes are many societies and so there are many communities so we think everyone thinks like this and so when we meet a family that doesn't think like this we feel that discord we feel that disease and we push it away it could be exactly what we need to be exposed to but because it's so not not where we are it doesn't feel right so very very important to pay attention when people say things to you like I know why I know what you're thinking really I tell what am I thinking I'm thinking you're a boob right now for thinking you know what I'm thinking how about we have a conversation and you listen to what you shut up and you listen to what I'm saying instead of attacking me and then having the audacity to tell me what I think like I don't have a right to my what I'm thinking are you kidding me that's what a non codependent person says um when a narcissistic type person says to you I think you feel so now you're thinking and you're feeling for me that's amazing that's quite a talent where'd you learn that when people say I know what you're thinking I know what you're feeling you feel you feel like as a matter of fact just the other night my son and my daughter is observing a conversation between the two of them that's what I do I observe I observe them I observed me I observe everything and I heard my son say to my daughter my son's 26 and my daughter's 23 my middle daughter is 23 and he said to her I know you think that's why I did that and I stopped him I said dude I said hold on I said I have to live I'm your mom and if I see something I think is going to trip you up in life it's my job to tell you I mean if I taught you to stay away from I taught you to look both ways in the street right before you cross you don't get hit by a car dude you're gonna get slammed in life if you think you can speak to people this way and if you believe it you don't know what your sister thinks and you don't know what she feels and you don't know what she knows a healthy conversation is Michelle tell me what you think tell me what why you think I did that so that I can figure out where the breakdown in the story is because this was my intent this was my intent I think possibly you may have thought I think possibly and please correct me if I'm wrong did you think that I called that girl because of this then shut up and listen to her answer just shut up actually receive it so when we're dealing with I love my son and I love my daughter but they suffered because of the way they observed their father and their mother me and my ex-husband speak to one another they heard all day long from especially from him oh I know why you did that Lee so you did that because you're trying to hurt me you did that because you were tryna you think you're better than everybody else you think that because you're trying to impress me they heard that all day and so it's part of their programming and I as their mother have to pay attention to that not to criticize them but to help correct the way they think because if they don't correct the way they think then they're going to go through life thinking that when they come across someone first of all they're not going to be willing to listen to someone they're going to assume they know everything that there is to know about that person like my ex-husband assumed about me my ex-husband married to him had three kids with him he doesn't know who I am and that is so sad and I'm married for two years to a wonderful man that I've known for five years and he knows me more than my ex-husband did and I had children with my ex-husband and I understand now that's because my ex-husband had no interest in knowing me none he's a narcissist his interest was in telling me who I was his interest was more repped up and trying to get me to worry about what I thought he thought about me you see as a codependent I worried about what everyone thought about me when my mother was raising me it was always it was always what do you think that other person thinks how do you think you made that person feel well why did you do that do that well how do you think she felt so I was raised to disconnect from what I felt and worried about what everyone else felt I think my mom was trying to come from a good place but I don't think that she realized that I was completely annihilated I was completely taken out of situations like I had no right to experience a situation so if I came home and I said you know mom you know Raymond was picking on me today she would say would you do what you do so a healthier thing to say to a child is this how'd that make you feel what do you mean what do you mean he was picking on you why do you think that happened okay not what did you do why do you think what do you think his problem is that he would pick on you and ultimately how does that make you feel you want to validate the experience make it real because if you don't the child would get stuck in that place energetically and a wound will get created um and those feelings will get suppressed because they didn't get to be expressed what you don't express gets suppressed and I thought of that in that clever doing once you can use it if you want to um but not in writing that's my stuff anyway anyway what you don't express gets suppressed and it has to come out eventually and so a better way to handle that situation is tell me what you think tell me what you feel and then what do you want to do about it how do you think you're going to handle this tomorrow help your children learn how to validate their experience it's your job to validate what they're going through so that's that now if you were using language like I know what you think I know why she said that I know I know what you feel correct yourself you don't know how people think and you don't know how people feel you don't not really if you're if you're a better way to go about relationships is to actually relate is to listen to what the other person is saying hear what they're saying now if feel like you're being manipulated you probably argue one you probably are so then you have a choice except how you feel feel what you feel and then decide what you want to do about it when I'm confronted with someone who speaks to me like that like oh I know why you said that I'm immediately turned off and I cut it right there I tell people I'm interested in having conversations if you're going to tell me what I feel there's no I could just you know I'll give you a picture Nate by ten glossy and you can talk to the picture because you think you know me there's no reason for me to be a part of this conversation because you're not asking me what I feel you're assuming you know now if you'd like to know we can have an intelligent conversation about that but if you're going to keep telling me what I think and telling me what I know then this there's no reason to me you've got part of this conversation so dear once I hope that has enlightened you a little bit and I hope that makes you feel a little bit stronger a little bit more confident about moving forward in the world and having conversations pay attention dear ones narcissists tell you what to think they tell you they actually imply that they know what you're thinking and they don't but you can't counter that unless you get that straight in your head unless you become aware that uh he's telling me what I think he's telling me why I did what I did he's telling me how I feel he's assuming that he knows how I feel you have to counter that with excuse me if you want to know how I feel I'll tell you if you want to know what I think I'll tell you if you want to know why I did something I'll tell you that doesn't mean you're going to hear it it doesn't mean you're going to believe it doesn't mean you can receive it but if you want to speak to me and figure out the reasons why I'm more than happy to tell you so dear one stay clear of those narcissistic conversations if you are married to a narcissist hold strong learn to ground yourself you will frustrate him or her plenty of female narcissists out there that tell you what side of the bed to get in on that tell you where you should put your shoes and what shoes you should wear plenty of those going around but if you have a narcissist in your life it's going to help you get clear about how to communicate effectively and they will get frustrated and they will get angry and I had a lovely comment by a woman named Gwen who has just started following the channel and she added her insight very wise and she said if you want to know if you're dealing with the narcissist disagree with them when you disagree with the narcissist it's like you set off a bomb they cannot deal with the fact that you're not agreeing with them and that's an indicator that you're dealing with a troubled person if you say to someone oh I can I can hear you I can hear your opinion but this is what I think and if they can receive what you're saying then you're dealing with someone who's a lot more stable but then again there are always covert narcissists who first few times you meet them they'll act like it's okay that you disagree with them but it really isn't they're waiting for you they're waiting they're waiting until they really have you at least until they feel like they really have you before they before they really start to show the true colors do you want me know how you feel please subscribe to my channel and consider taking my up two upcoming teleclass in September the last one was a huge success and I look forward to coaching more of you soon if you would like to coach me one on one just reach out to me at least to a romanovitch or healing self esteem at now I must say everybody I bow to love and a light in you the light in you you are light and you are loved you're one don't let anybody tell you any different namaste

26 thoughts on “Narcissists' Emotionally Abusive Phrases To Watch Out For

  1. LISA I LOVE YOU and YOUR STYLE OF SPEAKING the most on youtube. Your lessons are to the point and you don't waste time getting the point across. Your the best. I am learning so much and I am being equipped with weapons to stop ignorant narcissistic talk next time it tries to take advantage of me or anyone else. Also, "What you don't express gets suppressed." That is powerful.

    Is it possible for an alcoholic narcissist to be healed to think healthy again?

    How would you even suggest to a narcissist that they have such a condition? They might get super offended and really tell you how it is lol.

  2. Oh my god u r helping me to be a better mother!! My mother was a narcissist. I do not know how to be a healthy mother for my 12 and 2 year old when it comes to their feelings and how im supposed to speak to them to make them happy healthy Human beings. This video was sooo helpful!

  3. “If you think you know what I’m thinking I’ll give you an 8×10 and you can talk to my picture.” Pure gold! ? laughter can be hard to come by in these situations.

  4. Obviously there is nothing wrong with the narcissist.The problem is the empathic who need to restore their boundaries and stay the hell away.I have no words to thank you enough for bringing so much self esteem to my life. I know now after 64 years of struggles that I am OK, nothing is wrong with me , that I do not have amnesia nor I am delusional…but I have a strong case of fatal attraction and I understand why my life has been so meaningless.You gave me tools to fend myself and it makes me feel good.

  5. Thank you so much for your videos. I have been watching them for the last couple of days because I had a friend tell me they thought I was codependent. I'm also recently divorced from a man that I am learning is a covert or nice narcissist. I just didn't want to believe for the longest time that I allowed to let myself get sucked in and controlled and demoralized for 1years before I found the strength to leave. You have helped me to understand me better, and now I'm on this path to learn to love me and set boundaries.

  6. I remember growing up when I would cry in pain, my parents would say I don’t cry Blood. I dealt with emotional, physical, mental and verbal abuse growing up. I finally dealt with sexual abuse by my step father I learned forgiveness for myself. I am also suffer from bipolar for about thirty one years.

  7. Thank you SO MUCH!!! Lisa, for ALL of your Great videos, and Valuable, and Helpful Information! FYI: Here's a great song for you!
    (FYI: I'm so glad that you changed your hair style = Very Beautiful!)

  8. I swear to God we had the same mother!!!! 😉 Thank you for posting all of this. You have been helping me get through some dark times.

  9. I find that all alcoholics become co-dependant on someone who accepts their schizophrenic behaviours. It would be best to be with one who knows how to show love and light on a daily basis than to choose to continue with one who needs all 7 Chakras cleared and give up the booze for a milkshake or a smoothie!

  10. I only just now realized I don't need to defend myself against something someone made up in their head. 
    And now I just feel ridiculous.
    Thank you.

  11. After all these years, I know have a name to put to what I have been dealing with for 40+ years. I will continue to watch and listen to you.
    Thank you.. I always thought it was my fault. My fault was wanting to believe the lies he would tell me or others. He would have nothing but good things to say about me in front of others but at home the story was not the same. I was/am not good enough and do all things wrong.

  12. Thank you Lisa ?. Your teaching is helping me finally get it! I'm 62 and a social person.
    And just now understanding why some folks are jerks. Thank you for being open and fair.
    I try and catch myself when I also try and judge others. It's unfair and doesn't allow me to
    be open. Somebody wrote: try and go through a day not judging anybody or any thing. That's a challenge !

  13. Lisa,
    Many years ago when I was 19 myself and my girlfriend bought my parents a simple anniversary gift. We realized that day it was their day. My father said to me “Don’t try to buy our love.” My girlfriend was shocked. I explained it away.
    Your first example brought it all back to me. Thanks!

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