My Cat and I Read Cats Movie Reviews in ASMR


(rustling) (snort) (whispered) – I’m sitting in what is essentially a– (thud) Okay. Well, that lasted about two seconds. I’m sitting in what is essentially an empty bedroom because there have been things… and happenings… because existence is a… never-ending nightmare. Hence the plain white wall behind me that I am pale enough in the wintertime to almost be blending directly into. I say that as if I’m not blending into it in the summertime either. But if we’re being honest, I think I’ve reached a point in my YouTube career where I really should stop trying to explain myself and just accept that disappearing for months at a time and coming back with a shitpost video is just… part of my branding now. Can I say shitpost? YouTube, please. I have bills to pay. Look, I’m wearing a YouTube branded shirt! You can’t demonetize me while I’m wearing a YouTube branded shirt! That’s against the law! This is such a common occurrence that I probably don’t need to say it anymore, but um… surprise, it is… 2:00 p.m. on Friday, and I have been awake since 8:00 a.m. on (stuttering) (spitting) Thursday. Because past me decided that 2:00 a.m. in the morning was an acceptable time to go to a Star Wars movie premiere. So it was 5:00 a.m. by the time we even… left the theater. I’m too old for this. But I am not here to talk about Star Wars! I am instead here to talk about another… film… I guess? This weekend, the movie adaptation of Cats: the Musical hit theaters, and it’s safe to say it has had some… mixed reviews, some of which are… absolute gems. So because you guys over on Twitter independently asked me to do this and absolutely were not just responding to a tweet that I posted out asking you to ask me to do this because I wanted to do it, but I also wanted to justify it. (loud inhale) My cat and I (purring) are going to be reading some reviews of Cats: the Movie. In ASMR! By which I mean I’m going to hold my cat against her will and force her to purr into the microphone, because this is my definition of quality content. (soft laughing) Will you stay up here if I put you on my shoulder? (purring) No. I honestly do not know if this video will contain spoilers, because I have not, nor do I have any intention to go see Cats: the Musical… the Movie? So just keep that in mind if the movie adaptation of a nearly 40 year old musical being possibly spoiled for you is a… concern. I took the liberty of reading through every… single… critic review over on… Rotten Tomatoes. All… 141 of them. Of which Cats: the Musical the Movie has a Tomatometer rating of 19%. Without further ado… pets get started. I sat here for 10 minutes trying to think of a cat-related pun for that and just… ‘pets get started’ is what I ended up with. I’m ashamed of me too. “Francesca, sweetie. I’m so sorry.” “Tom Hooper is a capable, creative director, “but you’d never know it form the furball “he just coughed up on the screen.” “I’ll skip the obvious first question, “which is an incredulous… why?” Gotta admit, really wish this critic hadn’t skipped this question, because it is the biggest question I have and it has yet to be answered. Like… is this for furries? This is a zero kinkshaming zone, I’m just… I just… I just… need… to know… why? Honestly, I kinda feel bad bringing the furries into this, they don’t deserve this. “Falling short of the expected cat-astrophe,” (soft laughing) The first cat pun of the video has already broken me. “Falling short of the expected cat-astrophe, “it’s more flabbergasting that truly terrible.” “Like the Arc of the Covenant, you won’t be able “to look away while as melts your face off.” “It would be more entertaining to see “frolicking YouTube kittens than this film of a musical “that played better on stage.” “There isn’t much more to Cats than the experience “of sitting back and watching weird-looking performers “pretending to be cats while gyrating “to Andrew Lloyd Webber songs.” Peter from eFilmCritic.com just going straight for the throat, saying, “I would rather eat glass that watch Cats again, “but if someone were to put out a warts-and-all “behind the scenes documentary on its making, “I would watch the hell out of that.” Jamie from the Sun asking what we’re all really thinking: “Are the cast being held hostage?” “It is literally the stuff of nightmares.” Chris from Daily Mirror just says, “Brace yourself.” “This part-people, part-pussycat, faux-feline “Hollywood hairball is a… me-ouch.” (loud snort) (heavy sigh) “This movie is a nightmare you let live out “its nine lives on its own.” “By the time I left the theater, I wasn’t even sure “what a real cat looked like anymore.” “Congratulations… to dogs.” “I felt the light inside of me… slowly fading.” “Finally, a whole new generation can discover “that Cats: the Musical is two hours “of human-feline hybrids without genitals “having no-touch sex and begging for death via song.” “The plot is slight, but if you just look at it “as Step Up: Felines, it’s fine holiday entertainment.” I don’t know why this one particular (laughing) review breaks me, by Ty from the Boston Globe says, “Oh god, my eyes.” “First off, full disclosure — I am not a cat person. “Second off, after watching this frankly mortifying “film adaptation of Andrew Lloyd Webber’s Cats, “I’m not altogether sure “I’m a movie person anymore either.” David from London Evening Standard keeping it nice and simple. “It all just feels so wrong.” “It’s literally incredible. “I hope I never see it again.” And lastly, my personal favorite review from Adam Graham at Detroit News who just says… “Woof.” Still not entirely sure if that’s a good review or a bad review but… I agree. I gotta admit, I entered this review-reading experience having never seen or listened to Cats: the Musical, and after reading the reviews of the Cats musicial movie adaptation… doesn’t really make me wanna change that. With that said, I hope you guys enjoyed this… experience. Do you have any parting words? (purring) Same. Part of the reason why I’ve been AWOL for the last few months is ’cause I have been kind of stepping back and planning for 2020 with the intention of being able to go into it full-swing, so expect — if all goes to plan — one more video before Christmas, and possibly one before the new year. But after that, I plan to go into 2020 and crank out content like it’s my job, which… hopefully it will be. (soft laughing) So with that in mind, make sure you’re subscribed by hitting that subscribe button down below, and while you’re down there, go ahead and ding that notification bell to make sure you don’t miss out on any future videos. Why is talking while whispering…so much harder? (laughing) You can find me on social media at these guys here on screen, or by using the direct links in the description box down below. Down there you can also find a link to my Patreon if you’d like to support me more directly. I’ve recently revamped all of my Patreon tiers and rewards, so make sure you go check ’em out. And did I mention that all patrons get early access to videos? So if you just can’t wait for more… this in your life, (laughing) check out my Patreon via the link down below. But with that said, I will see you guys… next time.

5 thoughts on “My Cat and I Read Cats Movie Reviews in ASMR

  1. Lol you crack me the fuck up im so glad I found your channel . I first found you when I used to dye my hair all different crazy colors and then I guess I forgot to subscribe and my dumbass thought you stopped posting. Little did I know I forgot to subscribe and I realized that’s why I wasn’t getting no notifications. I happened to see a video of you randomly the other day after months of not seeing your videos and I was so happy to find you again LOL this time I’ve subscribed !

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