Meanwhile… A Service Dog In The Strip Club



FOLKS, EVERY NIGHT I CAREFULLY
AND THOUGHTFULLY PULL TOGETHER THE BONES, MUSCLES, AND FLESH OF
THE NEWS ASK STITCH THEM TOGETHER IN A
UNIQUE CREATURE I CALL "MONOLOGUE." BUT SOMETIMES I LIKE TO TAKE
WHATEVER SPARE FLIPPERS AND BEAKS THAT ARE LYING AROUND AND
SLAP THEM TOGETHER WITH A LITTLE FUR TO MAKE MY NEWS PLATYPUS
THAT IS MY SEGMENT, "MEANWHILE"! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
CAROL MERRILL. MEANWHILE, IN SCOTLAND, "A
FAMILY FOUND OUT THEIR FIVE- POUND CHESS PIECE COULD BE WORTH
ONE MILLION POUNDS" BECAUSE THE PIECE IS "PART OF THE FAMOUS
MEDIEVAL LEWIS CHESSMEN, AND HAS BEEN MISSING FOR ALMOST 200
YEARS." SO, I BELIEVE OFFICIALS SHOULD
REALLY CHECK OUT THE REST OF THAT FAMILY'S BOARD GAMES,
BECAUSE THERE IS SOMETHING REALLY WEIRD ABOUT THEIR GAME OF
"OPERATION." MEANWHILE, LAST WEEK, LITHUANIA
HELD THEIR 20th ANNUAL BABY RACE TO MARK INTERNATIONAL CHILDREN'S
DAY. 25 BABIES RACED FOR GLORY IN A
TEENY-TINY NAIL-BITER, BUT THE ULTIMATE WINNER WAS 11-MONTH-OLD
IGNAS! SADLY–
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) YES, HE'S A CHAMPION. HE'S A WINNER. HE WANTED IT. SADLY, IGNAS WAS DISQUALIFIED
WHEN IT WAS REVEALED THAT HE HAD BEEN JUICING. ( LAUGHTER )
MEANWHILE, SCIENTISTS HAVE CREATED THE LOUDEST POSSIBLE
SOUND UNDERWATER. LET THIS BE A LESSON TO ALL YOU
KIDS OUT THERE: DON'T LET ANYONE TELL YOU A CAREER IN SCIENCE HAS
TO BE USEFUL. ( LAUGHTER )
MEANWHILE, "A LOUISIANA PRINCIPAL HAS RESIGNED AFTER
BEING ARRESTED AT A STRIP CLUB WHILE ON A SCHOOL FIELD TRIP." ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) I DON'T KNOW. THAT IS– THAT IS UNBELIEVA
UNBELIEVABLE… THAT IT DID NOT HAPPEN IN
FLORIDA. ( APPLAUSE )
ALSO– ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
ALSO, WHAT WAS THIS FIELD TRIP? "OVER HERE, CHILDREN, IS WHERE
THE FOUNDING FATHERS LEARNED TO CLAP THAT BOOTY AND MAKE IT RAIN
UP IN HERE!" HERE'S WHAT HAPPENED: STUDENTS
OF THE HOLY FAMILY– OKAY– HOLY FAMILY CATHOLIC SCHOOL IN
LOUISIANA WERE ON A TRIP TO WASHINGTON, D.C., WHEN THE
PRINCIPAL, MICHAEL "BLAZE-OF-GLORY" COMO HERE, LEFT
THE GROUP AND WAS ARRESTED WHEN POLICE WERE CALLED TO
"ARCHIBALD'S GENTLEMEN'S CLUB IN WASHINGTON, D.C., FOR "AN
INTOXICATED MAN REFUSING TO PAY HIS BILL." WELL, OF COURSE! OF COURSE. DON'T YOU DARE BOO HIM! OF COURSE, HE REFUSED TO PAY. YOU TRY TO AFFORD STRIPPERS ON A
SCHOOL PRINCIPAL'S SALARY. ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) THIS IS A WAKE-UP CALL, AMERICA. I MEAN, FOR PETE'S SAKE, FOR
PETE'S SAKE, THESE GOOD PEOPLE AFTER THEY'VE PAID FOR THEIR
RENT, THEIR GAS, THEIR OWN SCHOOL ROOM SUPPLIES, SOMETIMES. THERE'S JUST NOTHING LEFT TO TIP
CINNAMON, CHEYENNE, OR GINGER IN THE CHAMPAGNE ROOM! WHEN POLICE ARRIVED, COMO WAS
"STANDING IN THE ROADWAY, REFUSING TO MOVE." THE PARENTS OF THE KIDS DEMANDED
HE IMMEDIATELY BE FIRED. WHILE THE STUDENTS DEMANDED HE
IMMEDIATELY BE INVITED TO ZACK'S LAKE PARTY THIS FRIDAY. IT'S GONNA BE LIT! BEFORE WE SINGLE HIM OUT, I
THINK IT'S IMPORTANT TO KNOW THAT CUOMO WAS NOT AT THE STRIP
CLUB ALONE. HE "HAD A SERVICE DOG WITH HIM!"
NOW, WE DON'T KNOW WHY THIS MAN NEEDS A SERVICE DOG, BUT I
REALLY HOPE IT'S NOT VISION IMPAIRMENT, BECAUSE THAT MEANS
HE WAS JUST AT THE STRIP CLUB FOR THE SOUNDTRACK. ( LAUGHTER )
PRINCIPAL COMO WAS ALSO "A PART-TIME RESERVE POLICE
OFFICER," BUT NOT ANYMORE. HE DID THE HONORABLE THING AND
"RESIGNED BY TEXT." I'M GUESSING BOOZE EMOJI,
DANCING GIRLS, POLICE CAR, BYE-BYE. ( LAUGHTER )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) MEANWHILE, A MOTORIST ARRESTED
FOR YELLING (BLEEP) YOU TO A STATE TROOPER WASIN VINDICATED. EITHER BECAUSE IT WAS FREE
SPEECH, OR THE JURY PROVED BEYOND A REASONABLE DOUBT THAT
THE TROOPER SHOULD GO (BLEEP) HIMSELF. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK

23 thoughts on “Meanwhile… A Service Dog In The Strip Club

  1. Based on his picture, I can see why the principal can only find "companionship" in a strip bar.
    And I don't want to know what"service" the dog provides for him.

  2. I just gave 2 questions, how does a dog get into a strip club and did he have to pay for sniffing ass??? What kind of strip club lets a dog in???

  3. A school principal at a strip club on a school trip? Children, today we will learn how to make it rain. It’s scientific.

  4. Principal refuses to pay in our nation's capital…. He's only taking a cue from Donald Trump who wont' pay for his rallies… the Secret Service use of his golf carts to cover his ass… his taxes…

  5. Scientist created the largest sound underwater… and we wonder why we have whales and dolphins and other aquatic life beaching themselves or washing ashore dead?

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