People think they’re so clever like they’re the first person
to ever, like, ask me this question,
“Do you eat dog?” And it used to piss me off
and, like, upset me ’cause I get it, like,
I know why you’re asking
the question. But at this point in my life,
I’m like, “Yeah. I would
fucking eat a dog. Why not?” I eat all the other meats.
Doesn’t seem like an issue. Okay, I’m losing you.
I can sense that. But– but– but bear with me.
There’s a point to this. Do I have any dog owners
in the audience tonight? Make some noise
if you’re a dog owner. – ( cheers and applause )
– Okay, you guys have dogs. Here’s the thing.
I would eat your dog
sight unseen, I would. You don’t even have
to show me a picture. I just know
that I would eat it if it were presented to me,
if it were cooked nicely,
you know. But the thing is
is that’s the line for me. Like, there’s all these ads
in New York right now
that PETA has that has, like,
a spectrum of animals and it’s got,
like, a pig on one side
and a dog on the other, and it’s like,
“Why would you eat this pig,
but you won’t eat that dog?” And it’s like, “Because
I’ve never met that pig, okay?” If I knew its first name,
that might change things. That’s the message
of “Charlotte’s Web,”
it really is. Is you can eat any old pig
you want, as long as it doesn’t
have an inner life, you know? And that’s where things
get really dicey. Like, what they need to do
is do what they do with cigarette packs
in Europe, you know? They put, like, blackened lungs
on the outside of the packs. If they would just put
facts about the cows
on the burger patties, I’d never eat another
goddamn burger, you know? If it was just like,
“This is Daisy. Her favorite color is blue,”
and I’d be like, “I can’t eat Daisy.
She likes ‘Magnolia.’
I love that movie. We have too much in common.
I can’t do it.” I’m not super into animals. I’m scared of them most days. Like, I get really anxious.
Like, please stop sharing
these videos of crows that have learned how to talk
and can use tools. I don’t want to see it.
Stay in your own lane, crows. Talking and using tools
is sort of our thing, all right? People are afraid that
immigrants are gonna come in
and take their jobs. They should be worried
about the crows, okay? They’re the real threat.
Like, sir, what do you do
for a living? A librarian?
A crow could do that
in a second. You should see some of the
things these crows are doing. Animals are terrible.
I find bees to be high strung,
you know? Every single bee wakes up
in the morning and is like, “If that person
even looks at me wrong,
I will kill myself!” Like, take it down a notch,
okay? Chill out.
I do– I am a cat person. That might not shock
any of you. – ( cheers and applause )
– Yes, thank you. I am– I love–
I have two cats at home. Their names are Lea Michele
and Little Richard. Those are my cats.
I love my cats. Here’s a fun fact
about the difference
between cats and dogs. If you live alone with a dog
and you die, it’ll take the dog three weeks
to begin to eat you and it’ll start
at the fingers. If you live alone with a cat
and you die alone, it’ll take three days
and it’ll start at the face. Sort of a fundamental
difference, but here’s the thing
about my cats is they don’t even wait
that long. Every single night I wake up
about four hours into sleep to them eating me. And every single night
they’re just like, “Oh, my God, I’m sorry.
Were you not dead?”
( chuckles ) “Oh, my God,
this is so embarrassing.
We thought you were dead. You just–
you had your eyes closed
for so long. This feels like your fault,
not ours. No, no, no,
you go back to sleep.
We’ll be back.”