Hillary Clinton’s Presidential Run, the Richest Pets – Monologue


-Let’s get to the news,
everybody. In a new interview yesterday, President Trump said he plans
to sign an executive order denying citizenship for babies born in the U.S.
to noncitizen parents, despite birthright citizenship
being listed as a constitutional right. Well, you can’t blame Trump — he stopped reading
the Constitution after “We the people.” [ Laughter ] “We? We?” That’s too many characters.
I can’t keep track.” [ Laughter ] According to
“The New York Times,” President Trump
is facing a new lawsuit accusing him and his children
of using the Trump name to lure vulnerable people
into scams, such as a vitamin marketing
enterprise. Then again, if you let this guy
sell you vitamins… [ Laughter ] …you brought it on yourself. You brought it on yourself. [ Cheers and applause ] [ Applause continues ] Special Counsel
Robert Mueller’s office has asked the FBI
to investigate reports that women were offered money to fabricate sexual-harassment
allegations against Mueller, though I don’t think anyone
would have believed it, anyway. I mean, look at him. [ Laughter ] Mueller has never even touched
his own butt. [ Laughter ] He thinks nodding at someone
from across the room is third base. [ Laughter ] When a woman
in a low-cut dress walks in, he says,
“Your eyes are up there.” [ Laughter ] [ Cheers and applause ] [ Cheers and applause continue ] [ Applause continues ] Following reports
that Hillary Clinton is considering
another presidential run, her advisers denied the claims,
saying, quote, “She’s more likely
to win Powerball.” Of course,
even if she did win Powerball, they’d probably give the money to somebody
who only got five numbers. [ Laughter ] [ Cheers and applause ] [ Applause continues ] “Five — Five is the most correct numbers
there have ever been.” [ Laughter ] “It’s the most. The most ever.” A company has released a list
of the richest pets of 2018, with the number-one spot going to a German shepherd named
Gunther IV, who is worth —
who is worth $375 million, raising the troubling question, what happened
to the other three Gunthers? [ Laughter ] [ Laughter continues ] Officials in North Carolina
were called today to investigate
a suspicious package that turned out to be a cassette
tape by the band Journey. [ Laughter ] Even worse,
despite zero evidence, Trump claimed that there was
also some Foreigner on the tape. [ Laughter ] [ Cheers and applause ] [ Applause continues ] Firefighters in China
were recently called to rescue a man who got his arm
stuck inside a pasta maker. Unfortunately,
he lost his elbows. [ Audience groans ] [ Scattered applause ] Yeah. I don’t care. [ Laughter ]
I don’t care. You can —
You can groan all you want. [ Light laughter ] He was asking for it. [ Laughter ] Portland, Oregon, held its second annual
Stand Up Witch Paddleboard event over the weekend, where hundreds of people
in witch costumes floated
down the Willamette River. Wait a second — they floated?! [ Laughter ] Burn them at the stake! [ Laughter ] [ Applause ] [ Cheers and applause ] [ Laughter ] A woman in Utah over the — Lost his elbows — first of all,
why are you groaning? [ Laughter ] Like, no… Like, no one would say they —
you lost their elbows. [ Laughter ] “Yeah, I kept everything else.” [ Laughter ] All right.
[ Laughs ] [ Laughter and applause ] [ Breathes deeply ] A woman in Utah over the weekend delivered her baby
in the middle of an intersection with the help of two bystanders. And here in New York, a woman conceived, gestated,
and delivered a baby while waiting for the F train. [ Laughter ] [ Cheers and applause ]

100 thoughts on “Hillary Clinton’s Presidential Run, the Richest Pets – Monologue

  1. The worst terrorist in the nation are radicalized white men. I think there should be stricter gun laws prohibiting white men of extreme republican back ground from purchase.

  2. Hey Seth, is it possible you and other comedians can move on to other things to talk about? The political humor is old.

  3. Oh
    God
    Please, not again.
    Not her
    Anyone but her
    What's wrong with this guy's voice
    What happened to him
    What happened to you people
    Stop it with Hillary Clinton
    She had one job
    Noone else could have ever lost against the orange baboon, and after rigging a damned election.

  4. The Trump "We The People" joke should have been: "O Look, ….We the People?? That'a wrong. TYPO! It's Me, The People… somebody fix that, ok?"

  5. I love all the jokes Seth, but we all should just ignore him for 1 while week & see what happens to him or what he does to himself for Congress to finally get the balls to remove him….(????)..i just saying, let's try it & see….?????????????????

  6. Is Seth sick?! Get better soon Seth!

    I love the captions on this thing. After the elbows pun: "Audience groans; scattered applause" beautiful

  7. Can you think of an Asian country where Asians are predicted to become a minority in the near future? Probably not.
    Can you think of an African country where Blacks are predicted to become a minority in the near future? I didn't think so.
    Can you think of a White country where Whites are NOT predicted to become a minority in the near future? Did you ever wonder why?
    The reason is that there is a program of genocide going on in EVERY White country and ONLY in White countries.
    "Diversity" and "multiculturalism" are just codewords for White genocide.
    Anti-racist is a codeword for anti-White.

  8. Hillary's popularity is the same as when she lost the election. Trump's popularity has actually improved. Let's hope she doesn't run against Belzebub in 2020.

  9. > Witches were burned for floating on water
    > One of Jesus's miracles is floating on water

    By the transitive property, is Jesus a Witch?

  10. Hillary was the most qualified person in history to run for POTUS. The only reason Trump won is because Putin rigged the election. The blue wave is coming! Seth Myers is brilliant and hillarious, vote Democrat!

  11. Seth, there are so many fundamentally mockable things about Trump. Going after his weight is really low-hanging fruit.

  12. I feel bad for Seth Having to read those crappy jokes, especially while he's bot feeling well. I know they made me want to puke 🙁

  13. Trump has had to redefine his reality so many times, due to those pesky facts getting in his way, that he probably can't even remember what his latest lies are.

  14. I hope you recover from your cold soon Seth. Also I am a pharmacy technician who would have filled your cold & flu prescription if only I was employed ?? never mind, this video humanizes you and people bond with you seeing how dedicated you are to your job. Get better man. Oh by the way I am looking for employment folks so If you are in the New York metro area message about any “upstanding” job offers. Skills writing, ghost writing, public speaking, consultant, mentor, personal assistant, pharmacy technician etc. Thank you for your consideration ?

  15. Seth Myers either has a cold or Donald Trump is a Sith but he's so weak in the force that when he tried to force choke Seth the most he could do was give him a sore throat.

  16. How will Hillary stay alive in jail after her daily dose of Adrenochrome from the crushed skulls of aborted fetuses, is cut off?

  17. Ir's easier to get rid of a bad case of Herpes than Hillary Clinton. Just when you think she's finally gone away she pops back up again.

  18. it's not as if he's ever going to read this but for the record, willamette is pronounced will-AM-itt; it matters exactly 0% but i needed to put this out into the universe

  19. Seth: Love yer show but please learn how to pronounce Oregon & Willamette. The other day you said, in reference to the 1980s video game "The ORE EE GONE trail". IT IS JUST "OR-GHEN" Like pipe organ or internal organ. The River name is a little trickier so I don't blame you for that one it is pronounced "WILL AM IT" fast, all in one syllable. Named for a local Native tribe. Thank you. P

  20. Hilarious! And love Seth Meyers. But those poor people in Oregon. What is it with the mispronunciation of Oregonian names? "Oregon" and "Willamette", for example.

  21. FYI regarding Willamette: it's pronounced wil-AM-it, not WIL-a-met. Or, as Mark Ewert put it, "it's Willamette damnit!"

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